More than a "Happy Birthday"

Today is your 18th birthday and as I look at the list full of birthday wishes, the pain wells up inside me and I realize that the things I really want to say must go unsaid.  I want to tell you how much I still love you.  I want to tell you that I miss you.  But most importantly I want to thank you:  Thank you for ending it and helping me to find the true important things once again.  Thank you for not dragging me along anymore by pretending to love me when you don't.  But most of all thank you for not ignoring me.  Though sometimes I wish we could talk about it I realize that forgetting it ever happened and continuing on as if we didn't just spend the last 3 years together, is really the best thing for both of us.  Even though I may still miss hearing your voice, I may still miss making you laugh, I may still miss the fun times we had together (and I don't mean the physical ones), though I may still miss you.  The most important thing I think you need to know on your birthday, is not that I love you or miss you or even that I thank you but that I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for being selfish, sorry for being clingy, sorry for taking not only your heart but many of your firsts, I'm sorry that I couldn't say no, sorry that I ever said yes, sorry for the promises that will never be kept....I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  These are the things that I wish I could say to you but know that I can't.  As these thoughts flow through my mind the thought of just telling you "Happy Birthday" like everyone else just doesn't seem like enough.  It just feels so empty.  Happy Birthday does not fully express to you the things that I feel and wish I could tell you, yet the things that I wish to say can not be said.  So it is that I will not say anything, I will look on in silence as I have all summer, I will laugh and smile as if I'm not dying inside, I will talk and joke with you as if you didn't break my heart I will try to forget, try to move on, try to ignore you, pretend not to love you, pretend not to know you, pretend not to care for you with every ounce of my being.  So it is as I close out this note of things I can not say to the man I can never say them too I have but one thing left to say and that is HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

The End

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