I want it to stop,
When you take hold of my hand
As we're walking together.
I want it to stop,
When we're lying in bed
And you gaze into my eyes.
I want it to stop,
When your hands are round my waist
And I can feel your breath against my neck.
I want time to stop,
So we can be together,
I was still wearing the necklace a month on from when he had given it to me. I had worn it every day since that time, only taking it off when I was going in the shower, and before I went to sleep. It was a part of me now, never truly leaving my neck. If I wasn’t wearing it then the meaning was still there in spirit.
Our four month anniversary had gone now – a whole third of a year – and our relationship was still in tune. It had been harder not being able to see each other for so long, but we had managed. Both our colleges were in the centre of town, and so we spent a lot of our evenings there together, eating in various different places instead of at home. I was rarely at home now, only for the morning when no one else was up, and late back in the evenings, and so hardly ever saw my parents. It was fine though, because I was with him. They liked him, and he liked them. And I loved him, so being with him instead of home could only have been a good thing.
I had been thinking a lot recently. About our future together, and what it would be like. It was still early days, I guessed, but this future I wanted so much that I was willing to do anything to preserve it. I had a vague idea of what I wanted, and hoped that it corresponded with his dreams and desires.
I wanted to bring the whole matter up with him, but wasn’t sure how to go about it. Was it too soon to ask? Would he feel it was? Maybe he wouldn’t want to answer. Maybe it was too soon, and it would put him off. He might think that I was thinking too far ahead, that I wanted too much of him already. I didn’t want this future now; I just wanted to know that he wanted a future, and what it would be like. I didn’t want to become an inconvenience to him over the years. And I guess I just generally wanted to know if it could work out. Because I wanted it to, so badly. If there was anything that would get in the way then we could sort it out now, instead of leaving it until it could hinder our relationship, or mess it up. Or even just impair it slightly.
I decided that I would talk to him about it sometime soon. Next time we had a proper meet up together, I would bring it up. And hopefully he would not see it as me being crazy and completely out of my mind, but just thoughtful. Hopefully.
I next saw him properly in town again, as we usually did. It was cold, and we did not usually hang around instead, and so went into a coffee shop, the same one that employed the waiter that made me realise my feelings, and in the end help my life become a whole lot more positive and worth it. We sat down on our usual sofa, and after ordering drinks he turned to me to talk.
“I’ve been thinking, and...”
“And what?” I felt slightly worried, wondering where this was going. I hoped it was not going where I thought it was; somewhere negative, somewhere where I would be alone, away from him.
“Have you considered the future? With us, I mean?”
Relief swept through me, for more than one reason. I did not have to bring it up now, and risk looking stupid in front of him. “Well, yes, I have.”
“What do you want?”
“You. I don’t mind what else, I just want you.”
“Really?” He smiled.
“Yes, really. What do you want?”
“Exactly the same. I want us to be together forever.”
“Well, that’s a start then.” I laughed.
“Have you thought about anything else though?”
“Like what?” Now I was intrigued.
“Like, well...moving in together, and marriage, and work, and...kids...”
I smiled again, amazed that he had actually considered these sorts of things. I was not used to guys being like that. It seemed that usually they conveniently ‘forgot’ about those issues, and when brought up they were swiftly avoided.
“Yeah, I have. Do you mean what I think will happen, or what I want?”
“Well, I guess they’re the same. As I said, all I want is you. But, a house would be nice...”
“What kind of house?”
“Somewhere pretty upmarket I guess. Not too expensive, but nice to look at and live in. You?”
“Somewhere cosy. I like the house you live at the moment.”
“Really? Okay, well that would be fine. What about kids and stuff?”
“I’m not sure, but I definitely want one. Two girls and two boys would be good. What do you think?”
“Yeah, I like that.” I paused. “You know, it’s weird, really, because before I met you I was certain that I would never want kids. But now, now it’s like I have to have them. I see them when I’m walking and I think, ‘I wish that I could have kids with him too’.”
“You actually want kids with me then?” He seemed surprised.
“Yeah, I do. Two boys and two girls. I don’t know what names yet, but I know I want them. And they have to be yours. I don ‘t think I could ever want a relationship with anyone else, let alone kids with them. It’s just you.”
He looked so happy that I had said that and meant it that I thought he was going to burst into tears. But he didn’t, unlike how I would have done, and instead began to speak. I interrupted before he could though, as I wanted to know more about his ideas for the future with me.
“So...what about our careers? Do they fit in with our plans?”
“Well I want to be a doctor. I guess that fits. Long hours, but good pay. What do you want to be?”
“I want to be a writer. Or an artist. Both of them are jobs at home. And I guess I would have to start somewhere else at first, but if I’m there by the time we have kids then I guess your long hours don’t matter as much,”
“Yeah. When do you want them?”
“The kids, silly.”
“Young. So I can relate to them more. And be more able when they’re around.”
“I like that idea, you know. I think you’d make a great mother. You’re so caring...”
“Really?” I had only thought about myself as a mother recently, but I hadn’t really considered what I would be like as one. I guessed I would be fairly average. Nothing special. I knew he would make a great dad though. He had all those qualities that one should have; kindness, playfulness, and the ability to love fully. I had no worries as to what he would turn out like. I didn’t know about me though. I guessed I would just find out when it happened.
“Look, you are amazing. I know I keep saying it, and I’m probably boring you to death by now, but it’s because I really do mean it. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t. You truly are, and I don’t have any doubts about you, none at all. Don’t worry about anything. I will make sure that everything works out in the end, whatever happens.”
I hugged him, nearly knocking over his latté in the process. He laughed at my clumsy attempts to show affection, and hugged me back, kissing my neck. He was absolutely perfect, and what he had said as we sat there in that coffee shop proved it.
As I lay in bed that night, I listened back to the conversation we had had together in my mind. He knew what he wanted, and it was the same as what I wanted. Which was useful. A coincidence, but it made our future together look even better. I knew I was young, but what was hopefully in store for me wall all that I wanted, and I had made that decision, not with delusion, as I would have done half a year ago, but straight from the heart, where I knew what I felt was real. There was no reason for me to want anything else, because I had it all. I may not have been rich, or famous, or any other of those superficial qualities that people strived to attain, but I had someone that loved, someone that cared for me, and someone that was willing to do whatever he could to make my life as comfortable as possible. The only thing I needed now was continuity, so I did not lose what I had. From the way it looked, I was not going to lose him. I doubted there was anything that could really properly destroy us as a couple. And even if there was, I would make sure it didn’t affect us at all. I would repair it, so everything was back to normal. How I liked it.
He was probably sitting in bed too at this point, thinking over the exact same thing. I texted him, failing at my attempts to see if I could go without communication.
‘Hey. Hope you are okay. Thank you for today, you make everything perfect. And thank you for feeling the way I do. What are you thinking about? I love you.’
He texted back within a minute. He had always been a fast texter. Maybe only to me, but I liked that.
‘Thank you as well. You have made my life complete. Everything you said today. It all fits so well, I know everything between us will be amazing. Forever. I love you too. Night.’
I replied with a final goodnight text, and then lay down in bed, turning my light off .I fell asleep just then, thinking of all the possibilities for the future.