I had a notion.
"Nothing else is real."
You look into my eyes,
and tell me how silly
I'm being for contemplating
such a thing.
I look back, defensive.
"My love for you is
as real as it gets.
Nothing else can feel it,
so nothing else is real."
and I smile back,
because I know I am right.
“It’s for you. You like it, right?”
I was sitting in his room, together with him on his bed. It was the third month of our relationship together, and the mutual love was stronger than ever. The first day of college was fast approaching, and so we had this time to relax. With each other. We would not let anyone else get in our way. It was just us. That was how I liked it. No one else, the solitude of ourselves complete. Like nothing else mattered. And to be fair, when I was with him it didn’t. Because only he was in my world when we were together. Anything else was just obsolete figments that made no sense until we were parted. And even then, he was still there, occupying most of my thoughts. They had become resided only by him. No one else lived in them, and material issues were rarely there. Just him. It was the favourite part of my mind.
“Of course I do, I love it.”
Everything he did for me was amazing. He surprised me often, even when I should be expecting it, and every time he did it brought new smiles to my face. If smiles could be collected, I would have a big box of them placed in my room, overflowing and scattering out onto the floor. His ideas were so original, so romantic, that every time he did something for me I would be overwhelmed at the situation. Surprised, yet knowing he would do something like it anyway. The fact was, it was always different. You knew vaguely what you would get with him, but you could never accurately pinpoint exactly what it was going to be. There would always be that element of surprise within whatever he had got or done for me, and I liked that.
One thing that still surprised me, even though I had learnt of it long ago, was how he was so doubtful of himself. It was as if he felt he wasn’t good enough for me. And this was something I just couldn’t understand. He had absolutely no reason whatsoever to have a lack of confidence in himself. If I were him, I would have been over-confident. He had so many good qualities about him, ones that I could only hope for. He was kind, respectful, loyal and trustworthy. He gave a lot. He was funny, and had a brilliant sense of humour. And most of all, he really did care. I knew that these qualities were all obtainable, but the fact that he had all of them put together made his personality traits better. Combined as one, he had that amazing sense of worthiness that no one else quite had.
“Yes, I do. I mean it. I love you.”
And it was true. I could still not believe how fast my feelings had progressed for him. And how, even though it was quick, he had felt like I had in the same amount of time, in exactly the same way. Before, my feelings had not gone past ‘like quite a bit’. Now, they were so strong that they could not be ignored; they had to be followed whatever the cost. And I was happy to do so, because I wanted these feelings. I knew that he did too, and that was what made them even better. I could safely sit back and relax, knowing that I need not make that ridiculous amount of effort from before, because whatever I did, he would still love me. I liked that feeling.
“I love you too. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with not seeing you as much now...”
He sighed and looked down, obviously affected by what he had just said. We had seen so much of each other recently that going back to college was going to be a drastic change. I was used to seeing him almost every day, being with and talking to him. Meeting him as it got light and not leaving his side until it got dark. It would be strange for both of us to be apart for so long during the day. Of course I would be able to see my other friends, who I had not seen much because of our recent need for each other, but in my heart I knew that I would much rather see him, despite liking my friends as well. They just weren’t the same. I couldn’t get that same comfort and warmth from them as I could from him.
“Same. Can we not just skip college altogether?”
I knew it was crazy, but if he had proposed to me right there, right then, I almost certainly would have said yes. Which of course, anyone else might have found slightly rushed, but it was the case, and I couldn’t deny it. I had always been the person that liked to take my time with things; to not rush, but to relax, carefully checking my past, present and future. I rarely made a decision without being absolutely positive about what was in store for me after it had been made. And when it had been, I was careful to make sure that everything went as plan. I did not like faults. When something went wrong, I had to make it right again, unless it was a lost cause. I knew in my heart that there was no way possible that this relationship was a lost cause. I knew, already, that it would all work out. And I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of it.
“I wish. We’ll still see each other every day, right?”
It would still work. I would make sure it did. I wouldn’t see him during the day, not for as much anyway, but I had arranged my plans so that I would see him every morning before college, and every afternoon after. I would wait for him at the bus stop, until his bus arrived. We would walk up to college together, his first, and then I would carry on walking further to my college. In the afternoon, as he got out of college earlier, he would walk up to mine, wait for me, and I would meet him outside. Then, we would walk down to the bus station together, sometimes getting a coffee on the way, until we had to part again, and wait until the next morning to see each other. We still had the weekends free though, once I had finished work, to see each other for as long as we liked.
“Of course. I wouldn’t be able to survive if we didn’t.”
I took his hand in mine, and stroked it lightly. We looked into each other’s eyes for a couple of seconds. His gaze was warm, like his hand. I knew that what he had just said was not a mere exaggeration like it sounded. I too, would find it hard without him. I had grown so used to him, he was almost a part of me now. A vital part, that without I wouldn’t be able to function properly. I needed him. He needed me. We were dependant on each other to keep the other one running. I’d never experienced anything like it before. He hadn’t either, and that made it all the more amazing for both of us.
“I’ll make sure we do. Every day possible. At weekends as well. If I can be with you, I’ll be there. I promise.”
“I’d like that. And you’ll have to text and phone me as well.”
Our phone conversations were rarely shorter than half an hour, sometimes up to two hours a night. After phoning we would often text each other as well, delaying our farewells until the last second possible. Every time we said goodbye it was harder than the night before. I would long for him after, wanting the next day to come as quickly as possible so I could see him again. Knowing that I would see him soon made it easier, but it still didn’t get rid of the longing I was experiencing. I wondered if he felt it too, every night before going to sleep, the same way that I did. The same feelings, the same yearning. I supposed that he did. The way he spoke to me, and acted around me, assured that he did.
“Sure. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m great. I really am. Thank you. You’ve made today amazing.”
He really had. He held my hand tight, still looking into my eyes. His smile was slight, but meaningful. He kissed me softly on the lips, pulling me towards him. I put my other arm around him, embracing him. I don’t think there was anyone else I would have rather been with right then than him. He was the only person that truly mattered to me, the only one I saw fixed in my future. He made what would be an ordinary day amazing. Really amazing. If he wasn’t there, I would just be coasting along a line of average days that would mean nothing to me. Once they had been completed they would float to the back of my mind, never to be seen or heard of again. His days however, stayed in my mind forever. I would never forget them.
“No, you have. I didn’t do anything.”
He was so modest about himself. He couldn’t see how amazing he really was. To me, he was everything. Everything I could want in a partner. He had no faults, or none that really mattered that much, anyway. To me he was perfect. What he had made special he always credited as my works, and when he did something for me, he refused to acknowledge my gratitude. I couldn’t quite understand him. But still, I was happy. Because he was there, doing all these things for me, and saying all these things to me, that no one else would do or say. He was the only one I believed that truly loved me for who I was, and definitely the only person who got those feelings sent back to them from me.
“No, you did. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
I was there again, trying to convince him that what he had done for me was better than anything I had ever done for him. Because it was true. So true. I realised how lucky I was to have him next to me, listening to my every word. And not just listening, taking it in. I carried on embracing him, both arms now wrapped around him, pulling him closer to me until he could be pulled no further. He was warm against me. He held me tight, as if he never wanted me to let go. I never wanted to either, I just wanted to be like this forever, never leaving his side; always with him. No matter what. I would never leave him. Over anything. I could only hope that he felt the same way. I knew all my thoughts were repeating themselves, but they were so true that I could not shake them from my mind. And part of me didn’t want to. Just the facts were enough to keep me within that euphoria I was currently hovering around in, away from reality.
“It would be harder for me, trust me. Here, let me put that on for you.”
He released his grip, still touching me though, and took the new necklace from my hand. It was a silver chain, holding a silver heart with a smaller blue heart inside it. It was beautiful. He moved so that he was behind me, and gently placed the necklace around my neck, positioning it before fastening the catch at the back. He let it go, and it hung from my neck, perfect. I touched it with my fingers, lightly tracing the shape of the smaller heart, and then turned round to face him again. I kissed him, long and passionately, holding the side of his face.
“Thank you. I love you.”