What once was,
Is not now.
What once lived,
Does not now.
What once meant something,
Means nothing now.
It has been decided,
That although long ago
You meant something to me,
You cannot pursue longer.
He is now here,
And it will always stay that way.
I loved him. I truly did. He was my sun, my star, my everything. I had finally found the one that I loved, and who loved me back. Our mutual love for each other was strong, so strong that it could, and would not be broken. Whatever the circumstances.
I hadn’t just realised it from the night we had shared together as one. The thought had been slowly building up in my mind, surrounding all my thoughts and clouding over any other remotely significant thing. I had been falling, falling fast, and only three months into the relationship I had already got to that point that some people never quite achieved. I could keep going on, forever and ever, hoping that it would never stop.
The way he had said it, it was like he truly meant it. And I knew that he did. When I had said it back I meant it, so much, that the words didn’t feel powerful enough to say. I wanted to say them over and over to him, expressing them until he knew just how much I felt for him. But it was not physically possible. I had my ways of showing my love to him, but none of them compared to the real feeling I was getting inside. It was frustrating, almost, but to be with him was enough to see that he really did love me, and I hoped that at least I could achieve that effect for him somehow.
I woke up before him, as we lay together in my bed, and I turned slightly to face him as he slept. His face was so perfect, so untouched, and I stroked him slowly and lightly, thinking back to the previous night’s happenings. He had made it perfect for me. It had been perfect in absolutely every way imaginable. He was perfect. Perfection beyond anything else. And I was the one who got to be with him, be next to him right now, absorbing his feelings for me. They were strong. Like mine. In a way we had almost forgotten about everything else around us, as we had been so wrapped up in our relationship. But I wasn’t going to stop. I liked it that way. He made everything feel like a dream, with reality running its course below all my thoughts, apparent but not needed.
As he slept, I wondered whether he was dreaming. And if so, what he was dreaming about. It made me think of the time I had had previously with the ‘him’ that did not dream about, did not even appear to think about me in reality. And how disappointed I had been when he woke up and told me how distracted his mind really was. I should have seen it as a sign. But it was over now, and I felt almost euphoric about that fact.
He woke up about twenty minutes after me. Before he could speak I pressed my finger to his lips. “I love you.”
“I love you too. Honestly.” He smiled at me, a half-awake smile, still retaining its meaning. “It’s near the end of summer, you know. Are we going to do anything today?”
“I don’t mind, what do you want to do?” He always let me choose.
“How about we go back to bed for a bit?” We both laughed, and he pulled me back underneath the covers, still warm from the night we had spent together.
Everything was so vibrant around us. It should have been cooler, but I felt so warm inside. The sun was radiant, its beams of light shining down onto both of us, and the clouds in the sky floated carefree, saving their rain for another day. The trees and the plants gleamed green, with dazzling shades of colour on their flowers and buds. Birds and insects were dotted in the air, and squirrels and various other small mammals ran about the grass in the background, sometimes approaching us, but often running away into the distance to gather nuts and seeds.
We were in the middle of the park, alone within ourselves, but with many people surrounding us, also enjoying the last of summer. The nature around us was brilliant, and the people so happy. I felt amazed at how the scenery had become so enlightened, and that I hadn’t noticed up until now. It was like there was a new radiance about the world, and we were alive within it.
He stroked my hand lightly as we lay together in the grass. I could feel the softness of his skin against mine, and I held his fingers between mine, never wanting to let go. I wanted to be with him forever, and so I wouldn’t let his hand free, even if I was told to. He was mine, and I was his. There was nothing else to it. There would never be anything else to it. It was purely just us.
I spoke, breaking the silence. “I meant what I said last night, by the way.”
“Really?” He sounded slightly surprised. “Because...Well...I could understand if you didn’t. I can see why you wouldn’t.”
“What? You’re crazy! I have every reason to feel that way about you. You are truly amazing. And I mean that, I honestly do. I’ve never known someone like you before. You amaze me in every way.”
“You can’t mean that, you’re the one that’s crazy.” He smiled. “To me, you are the most perfect person I have ever met. I’m so glad that I have you. And that you feel the same way as me. I can’t honestly believe how lucky I am right now.”
His words made me emotional, so much so that I had to look down for a moment to prevent myself from bursting into tears. Not for a sad reason, but an overwhelming happiness that was taking over my whole mind. It was because I knew that what he was saying was true. Not that I was perfect, because even I did not believe that, but the fact that he actually believed it. Deep down, I knew that he was the one that I had been waiting for. The one I had been hoping for, for such a long time. And yes, it had only been three months, but those three months were enough for him to show me that it was so true. It didn’t even need any more time, because I knew.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just...so happy!”
That day went so quickly it was unreal. Almost like a dream. It had been so much fun for both of us. And all of the day, we’d had the memories from the night before entering our minds from time to time. Even though I had been fulfilled, I wanted him more and more. I was craving the next moment that we would be able to spend together in that kind of situation.
“What you thinking about?” He stroked the side of my face, looking deeply into my eyes.
“Us. And everything. I like it.”
“I do too. Thank you for last night.”
I smiled back at him, reflecting what he was saying into his eyes without the words. He was the one who had made it amazing though, not me.
The next few days went by without hesitation. Saturday and Sunday I did not see him, and so those were the longest. Monday and Tuesday passed quickly, in the company of him, as did Wednesday and Thursday. They were not long enough, speeding past in a hurry like they were supposed to be missed. I wanted the days to be longer, but they were gradually starting to get shorter. Friday also went quickly, but I saw him for longer this time, and so I managed to revel in the moment for a better amount of time. Saturday and Sunday were spent on the phone, not in person. And when we had got back through Monday to Tuesday, the last day of August, I was wanting him even more. Wanting to be with him all the time. We had seen each other nearly every day, and definitely communicated with each other on all of the days since that Thursday he had stayed round. We were not seeing enough of each other though. We both felt like that. And soon, we would be back at college, only being able to be with each other in the mornings and the afternoons. I would have to wait a whole seven hours in between to see him again! My friends called me obsessive, but I knew this was more than an obsession. It was love at the highest level that I could possibly feel it in my situation. It was pure, raw need.
The days were slowly disappearing before us. We were lost in time moving so fast, that we could hardly keep up with ourselves. What had once been minutes turned to hours, and hours turned to days. We still needed that extra amount though, to properly fulfil what we wanted. College was so near, as was our three month anniversary. A whole quarter of a month. Of course, I had lasted that long in a relationship before, but this time it was different. Special. It actually meant something to both of us. I couldn’t wait, yet at the same time I didn’t want it to come, so I could spend more time with him before college started again. Our second year was going to be the hardest, and that meant more work, and less him. And I didn’t like that thought. Not at all.