Communication keeps me content.
I rise with the sun when I hear that ring
that allows me minutes
to paint my silver lining.
But time runs quick,
and soon I am floating
towards collected clouds,
that beckon me forwards
to their undesired embrace.
Raindrops adorn my clothing
and I wait, cold and sombre
for that sweet, sweet music
in the form of casual conversation.
If only it didn't have to end.
I found myself with him in the centre of town, displaying my emotions in such a way that I felt genuinely safe. It was not the him that I had so recently left to wither away like a flower lost beneath the moonlight, but the him that had been written in my life only a few weeks before, the him that I felt could not be easily erased like pencil upon paper.
As we walked, I released more and more pieces of knowledge about myself. He asked me many questions; I gave him many answers. He was not inquisitive in a way that made me uneasy; it was merely in his nature for him to want to understand me. I happily consented to these questions, as I felt a strange sense of happiness that he cared about me enough to want to know me properly.
Each turned we made created a small tinge of sadness within me; we still had half an hour left but I knew that we were walking closer to other company, and I was enjoying the current moment too much to want change. His facial expression softened as he looked at me, and his eyes showed intense interest, something I hadn’t seen for months.
“What do you want?”
I was lost in my thoughts, and so this question surprised me. It was different to the others, and so I was unclear as to what it actually meant.
“What, are we going to get something?”
“No, seriously.” I looked up into his eyes again, which, although were still soft, displayed a certain focus within them. “What do you want? What do you want now?”
As I stared into his eyes, I understood what he meant. I didn’t know how to respond, as I had not yet sorted out my mind. I knew what I wanted, ultimately, but I did not know the best way to go about it. I wanted him. I’d wanted him before I could have him. And now, I could. I was free as a bird that had just learnt to fly. I had the whole world ahead of me, and I could do what I wanted. But I knew, deep down, that what I wanted was not what everyone else wanted. Though was doing what everyone else wanted all the time really what was best? Surely doing something for myself once every often was a good idea. I was so certain of everything, and how it would all turn out. Yet they were still stopping me. The ones who had advised me against it. The ones who had told me that it was too soon; that I was taking everything so quickly. That there was no harm in waiting, at least for a while until all of the emotion and chaos and calmed down. But there was. No one seemed to think about how I was feeling. It was more about him, and how he felt. And of course, I understood that what I wanted to do could affect him. But, it was my life nonetheless, and it was inevitable. I couldn’t help that my feelings had progressed away from what they had digressed to so quickly; it was how it was meant to be.
He must have sensed that I was arguing in my mind, as his facial expression changed to slightly confused. I shook my head and focused back on him, smiling slightly.
“You know what I want. It’s just what everyone else wants that’s the problem...” I looked down, encased in my thoughts.
“But why do they matter?
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. They just do. I want to please everyone else. I’ve upset too many people already, and I don’t like it.”
“Look, you don’t need to think of them anymore. Seriously. What happened has happened, and you can’t change that.”
“I guess. How do you put thing so... right? You just seem to make sense, whatever you say. I’ve never known someone be able to do that so well.”
He laughed at me in a friendly way, showing his perfect grin that I had noticed so clearly on the night that I had met him. There was such a raw sense of reality about him, that I couldn’t quite comprehend it.
“Look, we can take everything slow, if you would prefer. I only want what you want. We’ll sort something out together, okay? I don’t want to make you unhappy.”
I walked closer to him, and he put his arms around me. His skin was warm, and I felt compelled to never let him go.
“Shall we meet up with everyone else now?”
“Yeah, let’s.” For now, I had learnt enough about him. We had a cinema visit to look forward to with the rest of our friends, and I knew that afterwards, we would be able to continue our personal discoveries, from walking back to the bus station to on the phone later on the evening. We were determined to spend as much time together as possible.
The film was good. It made it better that he was there. Sat beside me and another one of his friends that I had recently met at the party where my mind had started to be made up. I was on the end of the row, knowing the least amount of people, and so only had him to talk to. Which, despite my social nature, suited me perfectly. We had spent the time through the trailers and adverts talking and discussing various things, topics which anyone else may have found irrelevant, but we enjoyed them all the same. His interest in me was so apparent, and his interesting words struck me every time he released them. I had never felt quite so focused in on a single conversation without there being an ulterior motive. For this one, I didn’t have to convince, persuade, or entice – he was already past that stage, and I was free to talk to him as I wished, without needing to worry about anything like that, where what I said could affect my future. I had a future already planned out – it was whether I chose to pursue it that would affect everything in the end.
As the film carried on, so did our desperation to converse. There were many people in the cinema and we felt it a bad idea to converse with words, and so instead used our body language to keep some form of communication present. He put his arm around me midway through the film, carefully making sure no one else noticed, and squeezed my shoulder tight. I put my hand on his, and we sat together in silence, staring at the film but really taking in only what we were feeling. It was all starting to make sense, and I could see why I had decided upon the decision I had followed.
After the film, and after the goodbyes from the various friends who had to make their way up to the train station, we made our way, alone, to the bus stop where I would be leaving him. He took my hand and held me close in the darkness, like he was protecting me from any form of threat that could possibly appear at half 7 in town on a Tuesday night. I liked the way that he held me so; it reminded me of what I had expected from my previous relationship, and how this was making up for that loss.
We got to the bus stop with about ten minutes to spare, and he sat me down beside him on a low-built wall. The air was cold, and he held me again, lightly touching my head with his. His hand was still on mine, and, even though we were not in any sort of relationship past friendship, the way he was acting made me feel like we were - or at least if we were, it would be a happy one.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I am.” I leaned my head closer, burying it partially into his shoulder. “Thank you for today, you made it so much more than it would’ve been.”
“Really?” He looked genuinely shocked that I would possibly suggest that he had made something better.
“Yes, really. Thanks.”
“You have as well. I doubt I would have come if you hadn’t.”
My bus drove into the bay that we were waiting beside, and so I rounded off the conversation.
“Thanks. But, I have to go now. I’ll see you at the weekend, right? And phone you tonight?”
“Yes, I’d like that.” He smiled that same, gorgeous smile that made me all warm inside. I stood up, and hugged him. He didn’t let me go for a few seconds, and when he did, he said his goodbyes to me, like we were not going to see each other for at least a few months.
“Please phone me tonight. I’ll miss you. Seriously, I will. Thank you today, it’s been great.” He smiled. “Bye.”
As I got on the bus, he waved at me, and I waved back, already feeling slightly down that we were separated again, if only by glass. The bus pulled out and as I turned around to look out of the back window, I saw his figure becoming slowly smaller and smaller as the bus drove further. He didn’t stop looking at the bus until it had turned round the corner and onto the main road.
On the bus journey back, there were so many thoughts rushing round my head, thoughts that I hadn’t contemplated in a long while. My first proper meet-up with him had proved successful; I had left feeling happy, and satisfied. I had kept fairly neutral about my feelings, not hiding them as such, but not acting upon them either. We had both left the same, but in a good way. There were no complications as of yet, and I could freely enjoy what was happening around us. Despite all of the drama that had happened the week before, I was finally feeling content with what I had.