I'm running, running as fast as I can,
Nothing can stop me, nothing will stop me.
Cars hurtle past,
Speeding away from me
I carry on,
Breath heavy, but feet light,
My eyes sensing nothing
But infinite paths
Of future and present.
Journeys ahead, and obstacles
Yet to stumble upon.
I stop at the crossroads;
I can run free no more.
He phoned me that night. After I had got home, we sat on the phone for at least twenty minutes, talking about the night we’d just had together. He had tried to phone me in the car as well, but I was unwillingly to display the situation I had encountered with my friends, who would have looked upon it as something I should not pursue.
I did not want to admit it, but I was falling into something that I might never be able to return from. I was unsure about my feelings as a whole, but I knew about his. They were how maybe my ‘boyfriend’ should have felt. But he did not, and instead this new, other guy, who I did not really know all that well, felt them. But did I feel them back? I did not know. As I spoke to him on the phone, I found myself enjoying the phone conversation, and almost wishing that I was back at that party, talking to him face to face and just generally being with him. There was something so easygoing, so natural about him, and I was compelled to find out more about him.
I knew I shouldn’t want to though. I was suddenly confused again, about something even different than before. I was now losing feelings for one person, and possibly gaining them for another. Which was never a good situation to be in. I couldn’t possibly see how everyone could be happy after this. Someone would end up hurt. And it most likely wasn’t going to be me, but one of the two guys I had incorporated into my life so willingly, when maybe I should have kept myself back for at least one of them.
I thought about it for a long time after the phone call had ended. This was a problem which I had no answer to. A different problem to the one I had had before. In fact, it just added to the previous situation. Maybe I could use it to aid my overall decision. Or maybe it would just mess it up further. I still had two main options – stay or leave. Now leaving had an added bonus to it, something that would make it even better, if it all went my way. Staying could cause complications. In my head though, staying was the right thing to do, but I didn’t know whether it was actually right for me, or just for him. And that was the main source of the problem; I couldn’t face doing something for myself rather than others.
As I thought to myself, my phone rang again. I picked it up, tired, and so slightly unaware of what was going on around me.
“Who is this?”
“It’s me, again. Sorry.”
He’d phoned again. And I was not annoyed, or dismayed, but happier. My thinking session had lowered my mood slightly, and now he had phoned again I had lit up inside.
“That’s okay.” I smiled to him, suddenly realising that he could not see my facial expressions, and so carried on talking to destroy the silence. “How come you’re phoning again?”
“Well...this probably sounds stupid, but...I don’t want to stop talking to you.”
“Really?” The light was growing, growing fast. Again, I felt wanted by someone, despite the fact that it was not who I should be wanted by.
“Can we meet up some time? Seriously, I really enjoyed tonight. And I want to see more of you. As soon as possible.”
I felt bad that I was so happy at this request. I knew I shouldn’t have been. I was supposed to be devoted to one him, and one him only. Why I had even let myself become involved with another one I did not know. And it wasn’t that I was involved, as such, but more...potentially involved. If I decided to go down that path. But, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to walk that way. It was not like I had made up my mind about everything, for it would be so much easier if I had. I would not be sitting here, on the phone, wondering to myself whether I actually wanted to be on the phone or not. Because, I knew that I did, but I also didn’t. And I couldn’t quite comprehend such mixed emotion within me.
“Yes. I’d love to.” As I said that, I wondered why I was saying that so decidedly, when I was clearly unsure about what I wanted. I knew I should say something to neutralise the conversation and stop it from going somewhere it shouldn’t. “This can’t go...where you want it to. At least not now. Because, well...I’m already in a situation. And...it’s complicated.”
He paused for a second, and then resumed talking. “Look, I don’t just want to see you for that. Seriously, I just want to see you. You don’t need to worry about anything, anything at all. I just want you here with me. Okay?”
“Yeah, I’d like that. I’m sorry for being vague. But we can talk, right?”
“Yeah, we can. I’d like that.”
We said our goodbyes in the remaining five minutes I had left, and decided to come up with a place and time for a meet-up at some point in the near future. As I put the phone down, I was both pleased and disappointed. With myself, mainly. I had got something that I shouldn’t have wanted. But I did want it. I was confused. Confused beyond belief, just a bundle of mixed emotions that made no sense when correlated with one another.
The next day I was sat in a coffee shop, alone, just with my notepad, a pen, and awaiting a cappuccino. I found that sitting in such a way was the best way that I could sit and think without losing my focus. I had intended to write a couple more poems, possibly from my current experiences, possibly not, but I was too distracted by my thoughts. I was still trying to make a decision, but it was hard. I tried to block it out instead, and looked up, towards the window, in an attempt to erase my current mindset.
As I looked up, I saw the coffee guy walking over, carrying my cappuccino. I noticed his hair, and his face, and the way he walked. He had something of an attractive manner about him, something that made me feel intrigued. It made me think, how this past relationship had really had no effect on my thoughts and future at all. I still saw the sparkle in the guy’s eyes, the intricacy of his slight facial hair, and his smile, as if he really was enjoying handing coffee out to me. I was not with a guy who I only had eyes for, because he was rarely there. Sure, I liked him, liked him a lot, but it didn’t stop me from noticing other people. The guy at the party, I had noticed him considerably. Even the guy at the coffee shop was making me want to talk to him, engage myself with him.
He handed over my cappuccino to me, placing it on the table beside my notebook, and smiled. “Here you are.”
“Thanks.” I returned the smile, and he turned away, still smiling, and walked back to the main counter. I carried on looking at him, slightly gazing, and found myself realising what a complete shambles I had got myself into. In a way, the coffee guy was the same as my boyfriend. I didn’t know either of them. My boyfriend I had got to know, thinking beforehand that he was the one for me. As I got to know him though, I realised that he wasn’t. This coffee guy, I didn’t know him, but was still attracted to him. I could leave my feelings to develop more and more, not knowing whether he was right or not, and possibly discovering, when it was maybe too late, that he, again, wasn’t right. I couldn’t trust my first impressions. I needed to really think about things, consider them properly before rushing ahead.
When I’d finished my coffee, I thanked the guy, before walking out. He thanked me back, probably not realising I was thanking him, not just for the coffee, but for the realisation I had enquired from his existence.
He phoned again, later that night. We had a longer conversation this time, stretching over an hour and a half. I talked about my day when he asked me about it, and when I asked him he returned with the same sort of conversation. There was genuine interest in his voice, something I needed when talking to someone else. Something that I hadn’t been getting, and so almost craved it. It was like he had driven me away from my goal so far, that I wanted it even more than I had when I started, just in a different context.
“So, how was your day?”
“I...I realised, while I was in a coffee shop today, that...well, you know the situation I’m in. I think I know maybe what I need to do. I know what I want; I just don’t know how to go through with it. I know I’m not really making any sense, but I need to make a decision. You understand, right? I’m sorry if it appears like I’m messing you around. I don’t want it to be like that.”
“No, I understand. Just...make sure you actually do it though right?”
He was so...accepting. He let me make my decisions, he let me talk to him about them, and he considered everything with me carefully, whether it affected him or not. I was beginning to enjoy my phone calls with him more and more. I had been hoping that he would phone, and when he did, it was the highlight of my day. He was like my release, my way out. He was unknowingly saving me from the disaster I was leaving behind.