Love is a confusing thing.
It twists itself round corners
into the unknown,
weaving through other paths
and tying itself into a knot
that eventually the path must be cut.
Later on it forms again,
Fragile from yesterday's divide,
But still yearning to follow
the straight road ahead
that always ends with a U-bend.
But what happens when the path splits in two?
However much they try to interlace,
a bigger knot is always formed,
needing twice as much force to break off.
disintegrating as it should,
it waits patiently for the next medley of events
to shatter it's path once more.
Love is a confusing thing.
It was the day I could finally relax. He was shut away, locked and sealed, and I was the only one who had the key. Yet I wouldn’t be using it tonight. Tonight was purely for myself. He was insignificant today; only tomorrow would he be able to resurface and become free from the box I had him trapped inside.
I was one hour away from the party that would determine my efforts and my desire. I knew that from this I would gain one thing, and one thing only – refreshment, with willingness to pursue the relationship, or realisation, with a decision to end it. I had no idea at the moment as to what might happen, only what could happen. I didn’t even know myself what I wanted to happen. I decided to leave it up to fate to decide.
The party was going to be a long one. I was leaving at midnight, but it started at 7 and so that gave me 5 hours of rest. I could then sink back to reality and sort out my mind. This party would be longer than his one was, and I guessed that more people would be there. It sounded like something I needed. Socialising was something I liked to do, regardless of the impression I gave out to others with my frequent lonesome sitting, and I knew that tonight I would be able to do that. It made me happy for the first time in a month, just to have an expectation for something that was likely to come true, rather that hiding away in the shadows and never coming out.
My friends and I got to the party slightly later than anticipated. They were friends outside of school, and I hadn’t seen them for a while, so a lot of catching up was in order. We had got lost on the way, circling round the same part of town for at least fifteen minutes, until one of the guys at the party had phoned and given us directions. As we walked inside I could see that this party was exactly what I needed right now.
The living room was filled with people, all talking and chatting and just generally having a good time. Several people introduced themselves to me before I had even taken my shoes off. There was an atmosphere about these kind of people that was different to the sorts I usually hung around with. There was no sense of authority, no careful planning of words and no intellectual debates. They were normal people as far as I was concerned; they were friendly towards everyone, and just wanted to have a laugh. They were carefree, letting themselves go and not thinking anything of it. I liked that. I felt more at home, and less under pressure to appear raised above other people. There were no formal introductions, just simple ‘hello’s and ‘hi’s and smiles all round.
I spent most of the time with my friends I had arrived with, but spoke to a lot of different people. They were all interesting in their own unique way. They were all different as well, in looks and substance, but together they all showed the same qualities that I found important in a person – kindness, humour and full of genuine personality. I was intrigued about them, that they could seem so real. It was not that my previous friends from college were not real and genuine, it was just that these people displayed something else, something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
We got along well. I found several that I was more adjacent to than others, but generally I liked the whole crowd. There was guy, for instance, who had a crazy anecdote for everything. Another who looked intimidating at first but actually was the funniest out of all of them. A girl who was immensely creative, and told me all of her ideas at once, so that I was speechless from the amount of thought she could hold about such things.
There was another guy as well that I liked the look of. I only spoke to him once or twice, but he seemed so nice, and so interesting, that I wanted to continue with the conversation. He was shy, but with his friends I felt able to talk to him easily. He was like no one I had ever spoken to before. He had a sense of awkwardness about him, but it was overcome after a couple of minutes, and we got talking, until my friends came up to where we were and pulled me away to talk with some other people. I made a mental note in my mind to converse with him again.
I was enjoying myself. For once, I could truly just let go of all my worries, and leave them to the side, while I joined the middle of the carefree people who, like me, were fed up of those important worries and wanted instead just to have a good time. I loved it that it were possible here to do that, instead of like in college, where it was hard to get away from problems in life. I felt like I fitted in, even after the short amount of time I had been there, and I felt like I had found my release.
And then I thought of him. Was it wrong to be enjoying myself so much when I had been thinking just hours before about whether there was a future between us? That I was happy, when I should have maybe been a bit more melancholy? I didn’t know what to think. I felt guilt because I didn’t feel guilt. Which, in my mind didn’t make any sense, and shouldn’t have done, but the feelings were still there. I felt lucky in a way that I had managed to get to where I was, but also incredibly down about it. Lost, and distanced. And I hadn’t been the one doing the distancing, it was him.
The other him caught my eye from across the room while I was thinking. He was sitting on his own, having been abandoned by his slightly drunk friends. I walked over, making short small talk with a couple of people of my way, until I got to where he was sitting. I stood in front of him, and tapped him casually on the shoulder.
“Hey. Up to much?”
“Hey. No, just sitting. Want a drink?”
“Sure.” I took the drink from his hand, mainly for social reasons, but also as I realised I hadn’t drunk anything the entire evening, I had been so distracted. My original him, the one I was supposed to call my boyfriend, would have cringed at the sight of so many people with drinks.
“So...you came with friends, right?”
“Yeah, I did.” He looked down as I answered, obviously thinking it a stupid question to ask.
“Do you know anyone else then?”
“Well, I didn’t before I came, but I guess I do now.”
He smiled at me, a warm, soft smile, a smile that made me feel happy inside. I smiled back. We sat for a moment, not talking, but not feeling awkward either. It was comfortable. Content. Something I hadn’t felt for a while. It was as if there was a mutual like between us, with no barriers to change our social conventions, and no problems that could possibly interfere. I liked it. And, for a moment, I forgot all about my problems with him from before, and focused in on this new him, the him who seemed to erase it all.
I noticed how he was looking at my eyes. He moved slightly closer to me, and started talking again.
“You know, you’re one of the first girls I’ve met who is so...real. You’re so genuine. Different from the others. And I don’t mean different in a bad way, I mean it in a good way. Wait, that sounds like it could be bad..oh, I’ve messed this up, haven’t I?”
“No, you haven’t.” I smiled at him again, and he loosely, and slightly hesitantly put his arm around me. I didn’t pull away, and so blamed this action, that most probably lead him to think something I didn’t want him to think, on my tipsiness. I leaned my head against his shoulder, relaxing myself further, and we sat in solitude once again.
An hour later I had to leave, mainly against my will, though something was telling me that maybe I should. As I stood up to go, he instinctively stood up also, and put his arms round my waist in an attempt to stop me. I turned to face him, slightly shocked, but also feeling more wanted than I had done previously in the last few months.
“I have to, sorry. I promised I would get back to my friend’s house before one.”
“But you can stay over! You can stay with me, and go back the next day...”
Something inside me warmed up at the sound of this request. I cursed silently to myself as I realised what I should have realised before, and also stopped. But I didn’t want to, and so that was why I hadn’t stopped, and had instead continued with something that was possibly the wrong thing to do. There hadn’t been any harm done though, had there?
“I can’t. I’m really sorry. Here’s my number, text me, okay?” I gave him my phone for am inute so he could copy down my number, and after he had handed it back I put it in my pocket and headed for the door. “Bye.”
“Bye.” He looked sad. Sad that I was going, leaving him. Sad that a girl he had talked to for only three hours, was going, and he was actually going to miss her. I walked round the corner into the hallway, following my friends, but something stopped me from going through the door.
“Wait! I just need to do something.”
I turned back around the corner, backtracking my steps, into the living room where I saw him standing there on his own, leaning against the wall. I ran towards him, hugged him, and whispered in his ear.
“I’ll see you some time soon, yeah? I promise.”
He smiled. I smiled back, released my grip from him and ran back out of the house. I was still smiling as I got into the car.