I wanted you to hold my hand;
Instead you reached for a book
and began to read.
I felt cold where we walked outside;
you casually put your hand in your pocket
and carried on down the street.
At the bus stop where we sat,
I poured out my heart to you
and your hand stayed by your side.
I wanted you to hold my hand,
for comfort, affection,
just to know that you were there,
but you never gave in.
I was in luck for having something to let me relax. One of my friend’s friends was having a party a couple of weeks later, and I had managed to get an invitation of sorts so that I could go. I would only know two people, but it seemed like a perfect time, however, to relieve the stress and confusion I was going through.
The party was still two weeks away though, and so I had time to seriously consider what I wanted to do with the whole situation, before giving myself a break that, if used incorrectly, could influence me wrongly. I wanted to make sure that I was doing exactly the right thing, hurting as little people as possible, and thinking it through as well as I could. I needed to just sit and think properly, listing the positives and the negatives, until I had reached a proper conclusion. And at the moment, I had absolutely no idea what that conclusion would be. I could only wait until my mind had decided.
I decided that maybe talking to a friend might help. At least, in some respects. My best friend for ten years was always around at lunch, and so one lunch time I sat with her in the secret spot, the only other person apart from him to sit there with me, and told her how I felt.
“Well, that’s quite a problem.”
“I know.” I sighed. “What do I do about it?”
“...You need to look at how each decision will affect you, and choose the one that is best for you. It may seem selfish, but honestly, this is about you as well as him. I know you want to please him all the time, but think about yourself for once.”
I wasn’t used to thinking about myself. I constantly put others first, which was probably why I had got myself into problems before. And probably why this one had surfaced. Although my feelings for him were fairly strong, even to the point where I was starting to think I was possibly falling in love with him, I still went by what he said. Those feelings, however, had been fairly muted recently, by the events that had happened, but I still felt strongly. And wanting to sort it all out made me think that I must have strong feelings for him.
“But...I don’t want to hurt him.”
“In the end, someone always gets hurt.” Her advice was blunt, but to the point, and often very good. I had always gone to her for advice over my other friends, as she was the most down to earth, the one who could look at situations from different angles and give me a proper opinion that most other friends would have changed to suit what I wanted to hear, rather than what I needed to. “You just have to live with it. If you end it, he’ll get over it. If you seriously sit down and discuss it with him, he might understand his faults and get better at preserving the relationship. If you don’t do anything, he might improve on his own accord, but chances are he’ll stay the same, or even possibly get worse. But, you need to do what you feel is right, not what might make him slightly happier, or what I say. I can only help, I can’t do.”
I sat back, and pondered over what she had said. She was right. She had given me three options that I could do. All of them had advantages and disadvantages. Not saying anything would be the easiest. He would be happiest like that. But, he might never change. He might never learn. And I would be stuck in the same lonely cycle of never being able to see my boyfriend as he just didn’t know how to communicate. If I had a serious discussion with him about it, he might learn something from it to help him now and in the future. But, he was so unapproachable with emotional problems and issues that I felt like trying to talk to him would be like talking to a brick wall. It was entirely possible that he wouldn’t listen, or would disregard what I said, or even that I would keep bottling it at the last minute. One thing I hated was to feel awkward, and talking to him personally always made me feel like that. The last option, ending it, was the harshest sounding one, and even thinking about it scared me. I didn’t want to end it. I still had feelings for him. If I ended it I would miss what I had lost, he would get hurt, and things might never be the same. But, ending it might teach him the hard way that he had to put an effort to keep what he wanted. He couldn’t just cruise along expecting everyone else to do all the work. All it took was interest and communication, yet he seemed unable to cope with either. It angered me. Just because of the effort I had put in. To get nothing back from it was hard. Too hard in a way for me to want to continue putting forward my efforts. But I still would, as nothing would get in the way of this, absolutely nothing. I did want to keep him, and I didn’t want to end it all. I may have had doubts, but they were just fragments of the mind, and nothing more. They would not be mentioned again after whatever decision had been made.
“I’m still not sure. The options are there, it’s just choosing one...it’s so hard.”
“Take your time. You don’t have to decided yet, wait until after you’ve had a chance to have a break. But, before that break, put your efforts into working out what to do. The relaxation time will feel even better afterwards.”
The mention of a break cheered me up. I was looking forward to this party already, not just because it was a break, but also because I would get to communicate with others that I did not know, others with nothing to do with my college and so did not have opinions of me as of yet. They wouldn’t bring him up as certain people at college had done, as they did not know him. I wouldn’t have to mention it unless I wanted to, and I wouldn’t have to go into detail in the depths that everyone at college knew about. A lot of people had detected the distancing displayed by him without even talking to me about it, as it was so obvious. The fact that we were hardly ever together didn’t help, and people jumped to conclusions about it, presuming we had ended up arguing one night, or one of us had cheated on the other, or there was an unborn baby involved. The list went on. People were fascinated by our relationship as it didn’t make sense to them. It didn’t make sense to me, either. I think the only person it made sense to was him, and even that was doubtful. It wasn’t a good sign, but I couldn’t get inside his mind and so couldn’t confirm it.
“I hope...I hope I can sort this out. I mean, it’s been such an uphill struggle for me these past couple of years, and already it’s going downhill. Soon I’ll be at the bottom again.”
“Maybe so.” She was never subtle with what she thought, regardless of the situation. “But, you can change it. So seriously, do something about it. Please. You shouldn’t get into such a state of confusion, it’s not healthy.”
When she left me to go to registration, I still sat for a while, still contemplating everything that had been said. I could do something about it. I would do something about it. I would try ,at least. If one option didn’t work, I could always choose another one. And then, if that failed, there was the final option. The option that scared me so much, but might still be an answer. I wouldn’t really know until it had been executed. But I still had to get to the point where I could do one of the three plans. I was guessing the easiest one, the carrying on as normal plan, was a bad idea, and from tone in my friend’s voice earlier, it was the one she wanted me to avoid. And, I knew I shouldn’t always take other people’s advice, but this time it made so much sense. And sense was something that seemed rare to find nowadays.
I was worried about talking to him. I could see him through the window in the class next door after registration. When his eyes met with mine, he smiled, and waved jokily at me.
Completely unaware of what’s going on, I thought. He has no clue what sort of things I’m considering. How, some time soon, our lives could both change. For better or for worse. He doesn’t even realise he’s done anything wrong, and that’s the problem. If he could just see before that he hadn’t acted properly throughout our relationship then it might have worked out better, and I wouldn’t be stuck like I am now.
I sighed, and got down to the task at hand. Right now was no time to be thinking of such things. I should instead concentrate on my work, already being let down by my irrelevant trains of thought, and stop getting distracted so easily. I blocked off that part of my mind, not with ease, and started thinking English. The party and him would have to wait to become present again in my head.