You said you’d love me
‘til death do us part,
But what happens
When I fall?
Do I encase you in memories,
Eating away at your conscience,
Forcing you to leave
Your once sunny life
Or do I fade away
Until I’m shut out from your past,
When you wake up next to her,
Erased like a mistake?
One day maybe
You’ll think of my name,
Though you won’t see or hear me.
And suddenly, I’ll be gone,
As quickly as I came,
Floating into the distance
Like you never even cared.
Looking back over the past few weeks after our three month anniversary, doubts were starting to creep into my mind. Slowly, but surely. I was almost certainly lacking something. I had been thinking over in my mind about previous thoughts that I had encountered, and it gradually seeped deeper into my mind. What was wrong with me? Half of me wanted more from the relationship; the other half felt satisfied with what I had, and just wanted it to continue the way it was. So I couldn’t understand my feelings, or make any sort of sense out of them. I had previously ignored them, concentrating instead on the positive aspects, but in a way I couldn’t. I didn’t fully understand his mind. And I needed to understand it in order to understand how I felt. I couldn’t quite see it, but it was entirely possible that either he was not aware of how slow our relationship was going, or he could not see anything wrong with it, and found our pace and amount of contact perfectly fine. Maybe I was wrong, but sometimes he seemed slightly too sentient over our relationship, and emotions and feelings in general. He was not one of those people that would act all loved up, he would not usually make the first move and he rarely talked to me about how I was properly feeling. If I started such a conversation he generally gave a one or two word answer, and then dismissed it entirely. Not in a hurtful way, but more in an unknowing way.
The past three weeks had been hardly relationship-orientated at all. At first I had said to myself that it was not a problem, that I was dramatising things in my head. That whatever I was thinking could not possibly be, as it was in my head, and not his, and so didn’t count.
But, I did not know what was going through his head, and that was the problem. I didn’t feel like I could communicate properly with him, and so couldn’t ask him, or even tell him how I felt. I didn’t want to be dismissed yet again. But I needed to bring it up; before it was too late, before there was nothing else that I could do.
He had spoken to me the week after our anniversary, but there had been no physical contact. And it wasn’t like I was dependant on the physical side, I just would have preferred to have a bit more closeness. Words could only do so much, and physical affection was sometimes the better way to show affection. It was almost like there was a barrier between us, preventing us from showing our true feelings. I wanted to knock it down, to destroy it, but I was too far away, and could only imagine it, without being able to inflict any damage upon it at all.
For that week it was all the same. He went to a lot of college-related events, and so left me to my own devices most lunch breaks. I saw him after school for a bit once or twice, but that was it. At the weekend we hardly spoke at all, only when I phoned him just to check everything was alright. Our phone call lasted twenty minutes; a long time for him, but not enough for me. I was a regular phone user, and twenty minutes was nothing compared to some conversations I had had in the past. There had been a couple of awkward silences, but as with any phone call, that was going to happen anyway, and the rest of the phone call went fine, so I thought that was a good sign.
Come to think of it, I had experienced a lot of good signs in our relationship. It just seemed that the bad signs almost equalled the amount of good signs I was receiving. I hoped it wouldn’t get any higher, but it had risen since the start, and so there was no reason why it couldn’t rise again. Unless I did something of course. But I wasn’t even sure whether I truly wanted to though.
I sat and thought again. Did I want? I guessed that I did. He was all I had. What I had strived so hard to achieve. Throwing him away would be a waste. Even if it wasn’t working, I could make it work. He still that that element of perfection within him that no one else could compete with.
In the second week, I had seen him more. The time we had lost in the first week since the picnic had almost been caught up during this week. Only really at college, but it was still time together, and that was what I wanted. The physical contact had been limited, again, though we had gone to his house one evening after leaving college early and so got to relax and just lie in each others’ arms until I had to go home. It had been nice. Maybe nice wasn’t all I was looking for, but it was something. He had even texted me a couple of times at the weekend, which rarely happened. I had texted back, and after a couple of replies the conversation had withered. I still had the texts saved in my inbox. They were accentuated against the rest of my messages, by the small heart I had written next to his name. I wondered what had made him stop texting eventually, guessing it to be a lack of credit or phone charge. I had texted him several times afterwards, still with no reply, which led me to the conclusion that I must be right.
In the third week, I had found out that no, he had not had any lack of phone charge, or credit, he just became ‘busy doing something else.’ What it was that was obviously so much more important than talking to me did not crop up in the conversation, but I had a feeling that it was not necessarily as important as I would have wanted it to be. He was confusing me yet again about his feelings.
The week went slowly downhill from there on. On Monday he was busy at lunch, doing an extra lesson with a teacher or something. He didn’t explain to me properly, I just knew that he wouldn’t be around for the whole hour. And so I sat by myself, writing angry-sounding poetry in an attempt to put myself at rest and convince my mind that it was all going to be okay in the end. It didn’t work. On Tuesday he was out on a college trip with his music class. I didn’t see him for the whole day. Wednesday I saw him for the whole of lunch, in one lesson and after school, which reassured me that things would look up. It seemed alright when we were together – there weren’t any silences and we had a lot to say. I didn’t bring up the issue of the lack of effort on his part though. When I finished that day, I was confident that thinking negatively about it all had been a mistake.
However, I didn’t see him on either Thursday or Friday. This time he didn’t have a reasonable excuse. He was not ill, he did not have an extra lesson, and he was not on a trip. He was in school the whole time, choosing to, rather than being with me, even for just five minutes, instead sit by himself both lunch breaks reading a book he had recently acquired. There was no after school meet ups, no lessons, and no spontaneous conversations. Not even a text or a phone call, or an online message. Just...nothing. Nothing at all. His effortlessness about us was beginning to seriously annoy me. I felt like I wasn’t even in a relationship. I couldn’t see the point of being in a relationship that didn’t even exist. I had tried my hardest. Whenever I had tried to move the relationship further he had either refused, or got out of the situation one way or another. There was still one glimmer of hope that I was hanging to, and this glimmer I would try and save with all my strength. I wouldn’t let him get away so easily. I knew, deep down, that there was still feeling towards me inside him. I just needed reawakening. And I would help with that. Make it all better. Fix what I felt I had broken. Because, as much as it would have been easier to blame him, it seemed to be my fault. Maybe I had driven him to be like this. Maybe I was just a bad girlfriend, unable to act properly around him and so slowly destroying the relationship.
I was still confused about his feelings though, whether I had caused them to be warped or not. He had seemed to love me, or at least like me an awful lot, but now it felt slightly like maybe he wouldn’t care so much if it ended suddenly. Or gradually. Just faded away, far away into the horizon. Would he really care about it? Would he remember me, or forget me? Would he even talk to me after it? I didn’t know. I had absolutely no idea how he would react, because I didn’t know his mind. Though I should have done, considering the personal position we were both in.
My mind was hurting, and I needed a break from it all. Something away from college, away from my college group, away from him. Just a chance to let my hair down and lose my thoughts, even for an evening, so that I could stop getting so obsessive and instead keep my brain intact. Maybe having such an experience would sort out my mind once and for all.