letting go of you

she sat alone sipping a double vodka and orange juice, going through the motions of enjoying herself at a party. though not too well it seemed, because various people came over to ask how she was doing.
a guy who used to want to know her sat down opposite her a little way away, drinking. she mouthed a greeting over the music and he said something back. patting the empty chair next to her, she yelled, "sit here", and he moved, somewhat reluctantly, she thought, to sit beside her. they made mindless conversation about school and work and how they were pretending to be until he found an excuse to wander off, or just left. she wasn't sure because she was too busy looking for him, like always. she watched him from across the room, watching his girlfriend dance as said girlfriend looked to make sure he was looking.
if i walked over there to him, i swear her suspicious glare would stab me in the back, she mused. i want so much to just be near him again.
she did not like this new distance, the way he seemed to deliberately avoid her. as if to prove this, he soon disappeared while her eyes were roaming the crowded room or she was engaged in half-shouted conversation, most of which she didn't hear. when her eyes did not find him in the room and she was sure his girlfriend hadn't missed him, she slipped through the smoke and out of the door.
down the stairs and across the car park, she found him sat alone and silent.
"are you ok?"
"i'm fine. just, please, i need to be by myself."
torn between wanting to comfort him and wanting to do as he asked, she stayed put. again he urged her to go, and she looked him in the eyes and saw the look she knew so well, only leaving when he warned her that his girlfriend was now outside.
she went away and smoked and drank and laughed to counter-act the worry and the pain of his rejection.
when later she saw that he was still alone, she went to him again, this time whispering that she didn't want to leave him when he begged her to go. but leave him she did, feeling cold and hurt. why won't he talk to me? what have i done? he used to tell me everything, but i can't reach him anymore.
fear and a sense of loss brought hot tears to her cheeks and she wiped them away angrily, furious with herself for giving in to such weakness.
i love him, she thought desperately. what has he done?
he can forget me if he wants. if it makes him happy then i don't care if it kills me. i owe him my life, and i would rather die than cause him pain.

love and death are closer than anyone expects. she knows this better than most.

The End

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