There are no words for this.
I'm tired of faking happy.
When all I wanna be is sad.
I'm tired of pretending to give a fuck,
When all I wanna do is cry.
I'm tired of hiding behind fake laughs and smiles,
when all I wanna do is give up.
I'm tired of believeing in false hopes,
when I know there is no futur for me.
I'm tired of being reasured,
when I know there getting tired of comforting me.
I'm tired of not being able to sleep,
when I know the nightmares will leave me more tired than I am.
I'm so tired of trying, I don't even see the point anymore.
But then I feel selfish because I know people will miss me.
But I can't bring myself to banish the thoughts.
They keep telling me I'm going to fall.
But they are lying.
I already have.
And I'll just keep falling.
Until I can't get up.
There's no one who can save me.
It's hard being who I am, and no one understands.
When one problem stacks on top or another, and another.
I want to cry all the time. Everytime I see water I want to DROWN myself.
Everytime I see ropes I want to HANG MYSELF.
Everytime I see my medication I think. "WHAT IF I TAKE TO MUCH."
I Just wnat to die.
Is that so much to ask.
Is it so fucking selfish.
I know the answer is yes.
YES IT IS SELFISH.
But I don't care.
There's nothing left for me in this world.
No dreams. No hope. No futur.
The only thing that's keeping me alive is Roleplaying.
Because I can lose myself in it.
Pretend for just a while.
Just a teensy little while.
That I am someone else.
Someone with an easier life.
But then it all comes crashing down again.
And I remeber that It's not me.
I have nothing like that.
And then I want to die all over again.
I hate it.
I HATE being WEAK.
I HATE this PATHETIC feeling.
I HATE EVERYONE.
I HATE MYSELF more though.
I don't trust a single soul.
Not my friends.
Not my family.
Not my mom.
Not my dad.
Not my brother.
Not my sister.
Not my teachers.
Not my self.
Not a single fucking soul.
It's just hard.
I feel like my friends pretend to care.
I feel like they really don't give a fuck.
I tell them it's ok if they leave me.
Because its better that I'm alone.
Alone is when I'm all ok.
When I know no one else will get hurt.
I want my friends to just give up on me.
I can't take it.
They need to leave.
But I won't tell them that.
I won't hurt there feelings.
But I do it to protect them.
That's why they need to fucking leave.
They all need to leave.
Everysingle last one of them.
So then I can die alone.
And nobody will know.
And nobody will care.
And I'll finally be happy.