just - i've made so many mistakes, please don't let this be 2 in 1

i'm so screwed. 

i tried, i did, 
my hands shaking, 
my eyes gone blurry with tears, 
but i'm not - 

i'm not strong. 

so yes, 
i did it. 
blade against the soft skin of my hip, 
sharp and quick, splitting it open and beading with blood

the sting lingers, 
and that's really why i do it, 
the flash of pain ricocheting through my flesh 

but i did it too low. 
where my bathing suit doesn't cover. 

i'm going swimming with my aunt, 
to help my little cousins in the water. 

but the black fabric rides up on my hips, 
exposes the highest ridge of my thigh
where it melts into my torso

and there's four long thin lines, 
and they're not shallow - 
i meant to cause harm. 

i've layered bandages over it,
doused it with disinfectant, 
hoping for the death

and these days, 
i don't change in front of people. 

but i can't, 
i can't let this go, 
can't let someone find out - 

and if they do,
i don't know what will happen. 

The End

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