So we sat there in silence for a few minutes, my mind wracked with guilt at all that I had just said.
Horrid, pathetic, weakling, so stupid to not have gotten over this long ago! You are so STUPID, you don’t know what you are doing at all! You are weak. WEAK. How dare you think you could ever obtain freedom???
In that second, as I was staring at my wall of verses, I almost gave up and decided I wouldn’t get out of bed the next morning. I almost decided after this conversation I would take a blade and slash away at my skin, after keeping a promise not to for almost 7 months. I almost decided to do all the things that show I was not fighting.
But then I said something that I wholeheartedly believed in that moment and I am trying to believe now.
I said that while this is really difficult now, I WILL keep fighting because I am too in love with God to let the fight go. I said I was too in love with the freedom I had felt that morning to let it all go. I wanted it too badly. I wanted to enjoy those wonderful moments with my family, friends, and with God. I would continue to fight.
I got in bed that night, and cried. Only a few tears, the kind that wrack your body, but I allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to mourn the relationship I had lost, but I also told myself that amazing things would come of the bad.
Please fight with me, because I really do believe it will be worth it. If only to experience those wonderful moments of freedom…….it’s worth the fight.