I had a rough day yesterday. Actually, I take that back.
I had an amazing day. I was overfilled with joy, in love with Jesus so much I wanted to scream, I wanted to tell everybody I loved I loved them more than they could fathom.
But then, night came.
Nights seem to be my most vulnerable points. I shall have to work on that, but anyway.
This entire week and a half almost, I have tried my best to keep a smile on my face, push away the memories that pained and brought me down, and I didn’t cry.
I told myself that pushing away the memories was part of healing, and I wouldn’t cry because if I cried it showed I wasn’t getting any better. I also condemned myself because my entire family is getting over what happened in our past so much better than I am. That was a big thing.
So I didn’t cry.
Last night I was texting one of my best friends, and she indulged on how she was really doing. Then she asked how I was. I sat with my fingers tapping the screen, questioning if I should tell her just a little. She had previously told me that she needed a break from serious stuff, and actually that turned out good because that was when I decided to move on. So I was wondering if she wanted me to……really say how I was feeling, or to trick her into thinking I was doing great. But I indulged just a little bit of how I was doing.
I haven’t felt that kind of guilt……in a very, very, very long time. It was horrid and I hate it.
So I just moved on with the conversation, and while I know she could tell I was changing the subject, she went with it cause she thought that’s what I wanted to do. She told me to be happy. I looked down at the screen with disbelief, she was TELLING me to be happy?
Later that night, I got on Skype with another one of my best friends that knows me quite well. She asked how I was and I said I was good.
She looked at in disbelief and asked how I really was, and I said I was really ok. I asked how she was, and she shook her head and refused to say anything until I told her how I truly was. So we sat there for 15 minutes, while I battled with myself on if I should spill my heart. I decided to do it, but I would NOT cry.
So I talked about how guilty I felt because my family is over our past already, and how I am so far behind. She said that, you know, your family never had your relationship with this person. I agreed, but…….
I leaned my head down, and I told her I just wanted to quit. I told her I didn’t think it was worth it because I have been FIGHTING ALL THIS TIME and am I just going to be fighting like this my entire life??? I mean a relationship with a person who had been around since the day I was born was not easily “gotten over”. I told her I refused to cry because that would show I was still in pain, and pain in me is WEAK. I told her that I was just pushing away all the memories, and when they came up I tried to tell myself that there was something good from all of the pain.
At the end of my spew, I told her again, I just wanted to quit.
I had been drawing butterflies the entire time. I had been swallowing tears the entire freaking time. But still I didn’t cry.