Every time I think of you, a rush of emotions makes me tremble.
I think of everything that has been and could have been.
Sometimes the tears form in my eyes, other times I smile tenderly.
But today, today I am numb.
Today I am expected to be strong, I am expected to be perfect.
They expect me to have moved on, to have let you go.
But I'm hanging onto you, and I don't know why.
Maybe it's because I can't let you go.
The thought of letting you go terrifies me beyond all reason.
That I'll forget you, that you'll forever be abandon.
I can't do that to you again.
Not for your sake, but for my own sanity.
I am expected to make it through this without physical or emotional scars.
But I don't process things the way everyone else does.
I think too deeply, I feel too deeply.
And that has been my downfall.
My heart is feeling again, slowly thawing.
It's killing me.
I am killing myself from the inside out.
I just don't know what to do with my hands.
No one is here to help me, I am left to deal with the winter.
The snow falls softly, turning from water to snowflakes mid-fall.
As I am slowly turning from warm to cold.
It's just so cold, inside and out.
You left me on this bloody earth to deal with my mutinous thoughts.
You knew I was like you and you still chose to have me.
How freaking dare you decide my unfortunate fate.
I am mad, bitter, grief-stricken, and crazed all at the same time and it's all your fault.
So once again today I'll me made to let you go.
Have to dig that hole in the frozen ground myself.
Where tears and blood intertwine, like some sick love.
I gently set my heart in that pit, sobbing, just as I have done since you deserted me.
And I'm trying, I really am.
But no matter how hard I fight, I feel like it can't be done.
I am alone, utterly alone and spent.
It's hard to bury in the middle of winter.