I've struggled for a long time with fully understanding the forgiveness of God. I felt as though he couldn't possibly wash me clean and make me new, forgetting the wrong I had done, and it was hurting me inside. I feel I have finally come to understand the fullness of his grace. This poem reflects the feelings I used to have, particularly when the hurt spreads to others I care about.
Staring into the brightness of distant lamp on desk corner,
The whirr of life never dying,
Blowing through the window,
Less obvious than the constant whirring inside.
There's a woman shouting in my head,
A mismatch crosshatch of
Thoughts and deeds mingle
In a noisy whisper, unrelenting,
Sinking feeling of unworthiness
Clings on my shirt and nestles in the wall of my
Chest, weighing down
Into the vortex
From one deed to rotten within,
Sin is sin
Gripping like a vice, a cruel device
Mostly self inflicted
Too much Merlot, a willing fellow,
Strangers, faces in the dark
But now familiarity is my downfall
The catastrophe ricochets
Between us, a crumbling chasm
Can we come back from this?
I've clambered back to my heavenly father,
But have I lost you?
The age of innocence is over
Regret and inferiority
Seeps into all my sinews
Am I unworthy of forgiveness?
Am I accepted in your sight?
A hopeless leaf pulled
By the smallest breeze
Off the path
Keep me steady, Lord
Lest I fall, and crack.