I walk with my eyes closed and count paces instead of coins.I swim in the ocean and pretend I’m okay I am saunter through fire just to see how it feels. Someday I will swallow tacks and stamp on anthills and lick lye.Someday I will scratch my eyes and split my skin and lay in the road just to experience the outcome.But until that day, I am not reckless. I am not hurting.I sit on a bed of nails and hold my hand over a candle flame and inhale the scent of my broiling flesh. I sway through the tempest and guzzle Ezra and pretend to blend in.Someday I will fly off cliffs and cough up shards of glass and embrace cactuses with my bare skin. Someday I’ll dance with a cougar and staple my fingers while sipping a glass of lies.But until that day, I am not hurting. I do not miss you.I frame your face and read old emails and carve your name into apples. I talk to you at midnight and hear your name in January snow and erect snowmen so I’ll be with you.Someday I will draw hearts in notebooks and dream of your face and hold my heart when you’re not beside me. Someday I will rent a tux and exchange my vows and gulp a jar of tears because my heart isn’t beating.But until that day, I do not miss you. I am not lost.I huddle in a dusty corner and scatter ashes across the street and whisper for help. I throw myself against the bars and do not know the feel of my skin and cry out for what I never had.Someday I will skip alone and listen to Wolgalied and wear yellow feathers.Someday I will vomit on street signs and lasso the moon and abandon my life.But until that day, I am not lost.