i'm not kneeling to propose, i just need to tie my shoes

once i said 

that i believed love 
was just a chemical reaction

brains shaking drinks at an emotional bar, 
a mean addition of too-strong tequila and something bitter
sour and curling unpleasantly on your tongue

love is the cocktail nobody wants to touch, 
bright blue and mildly menacing 
something you just know will be too sugary and too sweet

and i don't know, 
don't know what love really is

because all i can recall 
is blind anger and choking on cigarette smoke, 
my hand around the back of her neck, 
lips pressed to her forehead, 
palms smoothing her hair away from her face

teenager posed in an uncomfortable tableau, 
silhouetted in a grim outline by streetlights in the dark of night, 
feet planted firmly in the middle of the road

i have no idea what love feels like

i've been in love, 
never really fallen out, 
been in love for years upon years 
and yet i'm still not entirely sure what it is

or whether it's just a chemical reaction sparked by attraction, 
something mixing and dipping and going bam! there's the magic formula

a dash of humiliation 
and a tiny bit of pleased blushing

my friend told me that i was breaking her heart, 
that i was being too sad, 
that faerytales exist

and i took the time to explain that i am not in one

nor do i desire to be. 

loving...
well, loving has never worked out for anyone in my family. 
dead, sick, gone, the men in my bloodline all leave eventually

and i fear that women will be much the same when paired up with us
so here, here is an ancient carnal fear, 
a wonderment of if love really exists, 

or if it's all just a heart palpitation, 
chemical boogeyman whispering swelling secrets into the curve of your ear. 

The End

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