if people were plants and you grew into the empty shell of me

you bloomed and i withered 
beautiful in our sickness

but not really
because i convulsed over the bathroom sink
hands gripping porcelain so tight that they were both the same chalk-white
vomiting nothing but acid and bile

and i just drew in on myself
lost 14 pounds because food made me nauseous 
137 to 123 like my skeleton shivered weight off
or maybe tears are heavier than they look
thick tracks of liquid down either cheek
rolling fat and slow over the faint freckles and light sunburn

more dot my arms
all the stars for the constellation of me 
laurus polaries 
do you think people would look up at me
composed of faint silver glimmers in the night sky 
and say that i am the tragedy star gathering 
the story of a young girl who wasn't a girl
and tried so hard to not be what they were 
that they ended up being nothing at all

you would be the northern star 
gamma cephei in five thousand years 
reflected red in windshields and glass cups
red like old wine and old blood 
a collarful of lilac perfume and blue eyes
the sardonic twist of your lips
and the sway in your wrists curled right in an iron grip
around my fight-or-flight instinct 

if people were cards
i'd be the ace of spades 
and you'd be the king of diamonds 
we both know the way this works
you seep poison and i breathe toxicity
we are terrible, horrible no-good people 
but penance for our sins hasn't knocked on the door just yet 
repent and the world quakes at your mistakes 
better to keep them buttoned down against your skin

if i don't share then i can't hurt anyone 
bottled in is painful but better me than others 
it's my fault and others shouldn't have to pay for it

so i hold forget-me-nots on my tongue 
can't speak but when i open my mouth it spills flowers
better received by people than my words, at any rate

so we twine ourselves to each other with rippling string 
partners in hate and the weathered repetitions of living like a pavement weed
twins in mirror universes 
bleeding fists banging hard on broken glass

i keep you contained and you keep me trapped
but i can't live without you

i'll see you when i die
and if anywhere we'll meet in hell
and i will love you

because i will have finally in death learned to love myself.

The End

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