If I were in a soap opera

If I were in a British soap I'd live in a small street

Where everyone knows everyone and that would be just sweet

We'd have a drinkie dahn the pub at lunchtimes, evenings too

And spend all of our earnings because thats what they all do.

I'd meet my long-lost brother's lover's hairdresser in town

And we would have a big affair to make the viewers frown.

The only person that I'd tell about it is Yvonne,

Of course, the biggest gossip in the street, who'd pass it on.

And then when were found out I'd ingest some pills and drink,

And end that evening's episode collaps-ed by the sink.

The next day all the viewers, so concerned about my fate,

Would urge someone to find me just in case it were too late.

Of course the plumber's mate would come to fix the dripping tap

And find me lying on the floor, revive me with a slap.

Then call the paramedics who're expert in CPR

I'd get the ''Best Soap Girl'' award and I would be a star!


If I were in Australia I'd get off with every hunk;

Say ''Oi Noi!'' a lot and call every guy a spunk.

Use the question intonation on every single line

Even when it weren't a query. Oh yes, that would be just fine

My boyfriends would be blond and would show off their six-packs

With water glistening on their chests, a surfboard on their backs

But then I'd have a secret pash with ''older man who's posh''

Marry him, then murder him and go off with his dosh.



(Sorry I can only do British and Aussie soaps as that's all there are  in the UK these days!)

The End

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