I wish I didn't want you,
I wish I didn't crave you.
I wish I didn't want the stuff you said to me, in sweet words.
Of how you would kiss me, hold me tight, wrap your arms around me, and say goodnight.
How you would put your hands on me, and pull me onto my toes to kiss you at your tall height.
That you lock your arms around me, and make me feel safe.
I wish I were not so naive.
First crush, first love, first feelings,
All on you. On you. Someone who could never return these feelings, nor live up to what you said you'd do.
No one can do any of that for me.
Not even you.
But I wish I didn't still love you.
Still want your arms around me, still want you to help me.
To save me.
A cretin, I know, I am.
To love a lovable man.
Too be foolish enough, to try to hope, for you.
To fall, once again, on the hard ground.
I cannot fly, I said to hope.
But yes, yes you can. Jump, jump I say. Try it, try.
For a minute, there was that fleeting feeling, that maybe I could, while in the air.
But here I am.
And I will leave a few pieces behind.
Form new mes, to cover the parts I now do not claim to be mine.
The more parts of me, that die,
The less I am alive.
And more of a walking corpse, a lively one, at that.
But still. . . dead inside.
A shell, a great shell, that smiles, and laughs.
Oh, you know. You grin at that.
It's okay to smile, to grin, to giggle, to laugh.
I crave you, still. To make me feel.
But I also wish it all to be gone.
And for you to never help me, again.
I wish you'd let me break, let me bleed, to know that I have bled.
You can't let me fall, it seems. So I have to make sure you are never around,
So that when I am, crashing down,
I can ask that question, or the tree, and the forest,
And question, if anyone heard a sound.