I wish that I could tell you about

I wish that I could tell you who I am.

I wish that I could tell you about
This girl who I'm crushing on so hard
That whenever I see her, my heart's in a viselike grip 
And my mouth spews indifferences and sarcasm
Yet she still comes back once a week
To try and talk to me again

I wish I could tell you about
My writing, this soul-sucking construction
Where I build worlds and people
And I scatter words across a page
As though they're pomegranate seeds
Meant to keep me in the Underworld forever
I'm not really anything like Persephone, though

I wish I could tell you about
My depression, and how it's growing inside of me
Like warm wine fuzzing up your brain
And how it's eating me from the inside out
Consuming everything I used to take for granted
And I cannot purge this parasite or detox,
Because I would be destroying myself

I wish I could tell you about
How anxiety rules my mind 
Like a king that's trying to make the
Irrationalities of my mind it's queen,
Exploiting nervousness into panic
And feeding my depression

I wish I could tell you about
The fact I used to like physical contact
And now I feel like arms constrict me
And could you please not say "I love you"?
When you say that I feel like I have to say it back
Even though when I do, I think I mean it more
Than you ever did, which is partly why
The word "love" hasn't passed my lips in weeks

I wish I could tell you about
My vision of my body, because I see
Unathleticness and wide hips that seem to just
Carry fat on my body like a blazing badge
That screams my weight out to the world
And how I hate that

I wish I could tell you about
My insecurity, that comfort feels
Like a power given to the underdog
That no-one cheers for
But part of my mind whispers that
I make them feel obligated 
And I know that my mind lies to me
As though it's bitter lemonjuice
To spread through my brain
But I just can't help believing it

And I wish I could tell you about
All the bad things about me
And all the bad things in my life,
But I really don't think you'd care.

The End

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