sometimes i have no wish to verify my worries or acknowledge they're rational - i would rather live in ignorance than futile, fruitless effort towards an impossible and increasingly imminent goal

i think part of the reason 
that people always said they couldn't see the connection 
was the fact that you've got olive skin and dark hair 
dyed red in strands at the bottom

but you're also you're loud and brash 
a social buffer 

but we move like the same person
loose and fluid around each other although you're taller than me now 

you danced for ages 
and you loved it and i still don't know why you stopped

but the world isn't a kind place
and after all of that, 
late-night confessions and phone calls choked with sobs
i decided i would never spill my soul to you again

and i haven't

but sometimes i lay my palm flat against the screen 
when you video chat me, your lips brimming with laughter
and face bright as the yellow sun

and i know you can't see me do it, 
hand just out of eyeshot, 
but you always seem to be able to tell, 
your eyes going all squinty and cheeks round with amusement

too much oxygen on the inhale 
i tell myself 
like it's an explanation for the way my lungs feel too full 

and i try to push my fingers through the screen, 
try to tumble out the other side like that would make a difference
but it never works 

i feel like i should merely revert to past tense when speaking of you 
even though you're still alive 
and i'm still on this earth 
just dead inside and slowly rotting away while i auto-pilot

you don't - 
seem to want to see me as much as i do you anymore, 
the eagerness we used to hold to each other, 
kindred spirits so alike in nature yet fundamentally different 

you're lengthening the pauses between your smile and how much i love you, 
the spaces in which you say things to fill the silence 
when before you would have left them blank 

you don't fit with me, anymore. 
and sometimes i worry that i'm out of tune with you too 
and maybe the distance clattering into place between us
isn't just geographical.

and i wonder
when you stopped asking me how i felt. 

The End

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