i miss you so awfully much and i don't know how i ever thought i was going to survive without you

i - 

i miss you, 
and i act like you leaving wasn't the single hardest thing in my life 
but it was 
it really was
much as i am loathe to admit it

you're half a world away and i feel like my ribcage is collapsing 

we are lucky and we know it 
but the first time i ever thought that this sadness was unnatural, 
i sent you an email containing four words misspelled in my haste and fear and panic

"I think I'm depressed." 

famous last words, you'd say, 
and isn't it funny i know the cycle of how our conversations go 
memorized by rote at this point

and you're my synchronized soulmate, 
platonic in the sweep of your hair 
and the way you used to hold my head against your chest when i cried

wrapped your arms around my shoulders,
one hand holding me tight to you
so that my breathing was smothered by your heartbeat
and panic by the rhythm of your inhalations

but now you're gone and i'm here
and i can't touch you anymore, 
you were the one person i never felt guilty for touching

now it's just me and 5 hours of sleep a night on average
and not eating lunch these days because eating sours my tongue with regret
and i'm destroying myself 
and these days i just want to rip my skin apart and not exist anymore

but i can't tell you that

because you don't deserve to be saddled with someone like me 

so i smile on our monthly video chats, 
keep my messy mouth shut when we text nearly nightly 

i've never written a poem about you before 
because you seem too much for it, 
something i can't paint in words

but i'll try my best. 
i love you so, so much 
and i'm sorry i never say it anymore. 

The End

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