i lay in a pudle of my own existince,
a tub full of life thats been let loose,
a circuitry of blue gone red from oxygen contact
i bled out that night while dreaming of you.
thinking that if you were here then i would be in bed safe and sound
from the heartbeat that must be mine,
it must be mine,
because if its not then it must be yours.
and if you drowned in the sorrow of holding me up then how,
oh how, can i be expected to live on,
to continue my own dreary existence?
i bled out that night,
downing in my bloodred light,
unfiltered, without shadows,
just a ghost, and empty husk,
passed out in a puddle of blood that isn't even mine to claim;
at least thats what my mothers preacher says.
my body is a temple that i can never own....
thats what the priest says.
i will burn forever for my sins, the blood that i intentionally shed
on the ground in the sink, down the tub drain,
and smudged across beige carpet that i hate.
but i killed you, will i not burn in the fiery deaths of hell for that as well?
is it a shock to you that i think of this daily, im insane
ive already lost my grip when i lost you
because if you were here you would know the poetry of my heart and it would haunt you.
and it did haunt you, didnt it?
thats wh you became a hypocrite and ended your life.
you couldnt bear the thought of livin paralyzed for the rest of a so called life
just like i can barely bear existing without your poetic whisperings in my ear...
i killed ou, you had been cutting,
no carving my name into your body on a lonely broken back road when it happened.
i couldnt come to the hospital and witness your brokenness;
so you called one early morning and gave me your last bit of advice..
red is such a beautiful color,
and made more beautiful by my name or so you said and then the beeps that signaled your life was fading and fading fast accosted my ears...
and you were gone.
your last breath was just that,
i wish you had used it to tell me that you loved me,
but you knew i never believed in love because i hadnt updated that i felt it with you..
i killed you.
because i trusted you with the dark hallwyas of the labrinyth that is my brain.
i tried and tried to lead you through it but you took my hand and led me....
and i killed you.
i didnt touch you didnt kiss you didnt let you hold me because i was afraid that i woulfd lose you, lose my grasp on the reality i had painted...
but i llost my grip, the grasp i had on the life had chosen to live.
i bled out that night, dreaming of you.
but its like my body soaked up the blood that had spilled out of my veins like a sponge
because i was whole when i awoke in the dead night
but i swear i heard one sound before i blacked out again,
a soft intake of breath and then a gentle letting go that i will never forget....
i heard your voice whisper,
red is such a beautiful color.