i could never be a soldier

imagine staring at the sky
and being told you could become an astronaut
only to be told
that your lungs might want to cave in
if you ever did
so i never did.

when i was little, 
i always wanted to be 
in the military. 

my mother would explain
that i come from a long line
of army men, and i wanted to be brave.

i wanted to hold the courage
that they held in their faces,
young and vulnerable and strong-cheekboned. 

i was small, 
and i just turned the concept over
in my short little hands, 
glorifying it. 

i can't. 
i can never be a soldier.

not because i'm 
biologically female, no. 
not because i'm 
bi-romantic, no. 

it's because i can't carry a weapon. 

i would never be able to
hold a gun 
and not think of pressing it to my forehead. 

i don't think i would go through with it.
but i know that the temptation would always be there, 
the little voice piping up in the back of my head. 

and so i'll stare at my 
great-grandfather in his uniform, 
remember my young daydreams, 
and turn the picture frame face-down. 

i'm not saying give up on your dreams. 
i'm saying i could always turn suicidal again,
and i'd really rather not have access to a weapon
if that ever happens - i suppose it's for the best. 

The End

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