i am not worth it, please save yourself and leave me behind

a desperate plea for those who find themselves supporting me - you are so much better than i am, i don't want to hurt you.

i'm not a safe person to love

i am unstable,
a flickering flame
ready to go out at any provocation
(and yet i stay burning,
a modern-day mentally-ill menorah)

i shudder like ice
that's cracking down the middle -
one wrong step, and i could
accidentally drown you

so please, do not love me.
i will only cause you pain and grief,
and i wish none of that upon you.

i beg of you, do not find your way into my arms.
i am nothing of what you deserve,
and yet you keep coming back,
why do you keep coming back?
what could i possibly offer you?

you are a much better person than me, 
i only want you to find someone
that is more worthy of you than me.

i am broken, yet still trying to 
make myself into something better,
but i cannot - my depression holds
me like a hostage - a bartering tool.
i am nothing to this scourge of
the teenage mind, this bogeyman
and the BPD that haunts my soul.

you do not deserve to have to deal with me,
on the days when all i want to do is lie in bed,
on the days when i haven't eaten anything
and i cough up Earl Grey into the sink
because my throat feels sour and
my nausea is overwhelming - 
this is not your problem.

please do not concern yourself with me.
it is not fair to you.
i plead with you, 
please leave me. 

i am not worth the relief when
i'm in my bedroom after the war -
the war i fight every day,
the war that is mine, and mine alone.
it should not poison you.
it should not take your mind
and seep into your bones like it did to me. 

i am an issue.
i am a point on a graph,
a teenager,
a writer,
mistake. 

you are a human being,
but any humanity in me
has long rotten away,
i am not a human being -
i have succumbed to the darkness too much.

i am nothing more than 
a struggling poet -
one that finds themself 
smiling, for the first time in days, 
under your praise. 

but don't you see?
i don't want to hurt you. 

i'm scared that one day
you will wake up and 
realize that i am not worth it.

so i'm trying to save you the pain.

i'm just trying to protect 
everything you have given me -
i do not deserve it, 
but i am hopelessly thankful 
none-the-less.

so i might be a shadow
and you might be the sun -
but you must leave me.

i am collateral damage, 
and you are much better than me.

i am a flickering flame - 
i thank you profusely for the oxygen,
but we all know that one day-

(my light will go out.)

The End

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