i am falling, failing

the little girl you knew is fading, 
i'm afraid

because you knew me when i was bad, 
Bad with a capital b

and i won't go back to that
but you cannot help but dwell on it

i am leaving my past behind
learning to smile when i'm sad, 
fitting myself neatly into a contained frame

and when i don't slide in so nicely, 
i have to snap off all the rough edges, 
claw at what doesn't fit
until i can tuck it back in

but 
i can't be who you want me to be, 
can never be

i wore a graphic tee to banquet, 
that big dinner they have us go to 
where we are sat down 
and expected to converse pleasantly

and i'm sorry, to a certain extent. 

i'm sorry that you were insecure enough
that you had to poke fun at my ear troubles when i was little, 
bare, dull memories of pale blue walls and the sterile smell of surgery
when i was small enough that i couldn't say it

i learned to read lips
and to this day i cannot watch movies without subtitles
(they speak with their mouths turned away, 
and i still do it unconsciously)

and you, with your brash backing and grating laughter, 
when i tripped over roots
and you didn't listen when i said things that would be cause for worry

but i'm leaving. 

this is unhealthy, 
i am gone. 

if it's my damn choice, 
i'm never going to see your face again. 

The End

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