do not mock my fury

leave me alone, just leave me alone
and stop telling me false niceties, spilling sugar sweet insults from the confines of your painted lips


i lay awake at night and think of what it is to be a blank slate

about how we are taught as little girls 
that our femininity is powerful 
that it is a weapon

and i wonder why my preferred neutral 
is always more masculine

shorter hair, flat chest, 
i sleep at night curled like i'm trying to claw my ovaries out of my stomach 
and hate the way my mouth is curved into a perfect cupid's bow and full bottom lip

we are taught
do not confront,
be pretty and quiet and petty

and excuse me for not following the invisible rules

i must wear a dress, 
it's "only a matter of time" before i start wearing make-up every day, 
MC pushing color onto the bitter twist of my smile 
and masking my face with concealer 
i feel less human by the time she's done

every single time 

i wonder why my biology as a woman 
decrees i must birth the next generation 
raise children and carry another human being within the confines of my body 

i don't want kids. 
i'm too unstable to be a mother 
and i have no desire to be one. 

all i want are fish 
blue and red blurs just out of sight 
darting flashes behind glass walls 

because this is something i can do, 
thin green leaves beneath my palms, 
vines curling delicately from their pot 

i am not afraid of my lack of femininity. 

i am not afraid of the femininity i possess regardless 

i am just afraid of how people see me as a woman. 

because people say
"oh, darling, your mother said she didn't want children too, 
and look what happened there"

and i want to respond, 
don't you call me darling i don't even know you i don't even like you 
and yeah because my mother didn't, and my father did, 
but i'm never marrying so i sincerely doubt that'll be a problem

and nobody should ever told that
because of the chromosomes they happen to be born with 
they should be forced to be a parent 

because i don't need your condescending tones 
and i was under the impression that the decision to physically 
grow and expel another fledgling human being from your body 

was, oh, i don't know,
how about we try the words "my choice" out for a try, huh?

so %$@* you, sincerely from the bottom of my heart. 
have a good time pushing that on people 

or, y'know, don't, 
because that's not okay and i hope one day 
you wake from a nightmare where people 
cannot hear you or see you 
for the rest of your life

just to give you a tiny taste of what it feels like

as i sit here smiling prettily 
because the red of my lips 
makes me feel uncomfortably powerful 

and i wonder when my body 
simultaneously became a weapon and something i don't own. 

The End

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