leave me alone, just leave me alone
and stop telling me false niceties, spilling sugar sweet insults from the confines of your painted lips
i lay awake at night and think of what it is to be a blank slate
about how we are taught as little girls
that our femininity is powerful
that it is a weapon
and i wonder why my preferred neutral
is always more masculine
shorter hair, flat chest,
i sleep at night curled like i'm trying to claw my ovaries out of my stomach
and hate the way my mouth is curved into a perfect cupid's bow and full bottom lip
we are taught
do not confront,
be pretty and quiet and petty
and excuse me for not following the invisible rules
i must wear a dress,
it's "only a matter of time" before i start wearing make-up every day,
MC pushing color onto the bitter twist of my smile
and masking my face with concealer
i feel less human by the time she's done
every single time
i wonder why my biology as a woman
decrees i must birth the next generation
raise children and carry another human being within the confines of my body
i don't want kids.
i'm too unstable to be a mother
and i have no desire to be one.
all i want are fish
blue and red blurs just out of sight
darting flashes behind glass walls
because this is something i can do,
thin green leaves beneath my palms,
vines curling delicately from their pot
i am not afraid of my lack of femininity.
i am not afraid of the femininity i possess regardless
i am just afraid of how people see me as a woman.
because people say
"oh, darling, your mother said she didn't want children too,
and look what happened there"
and i want to respond,
don't you call me darling i don't even know you i don't even like you
and yeah because my mother didn't, and my father did,
but i'm never marrying so i sincerely doubt that'll be a problem
and nobody should ever told that
because of the chromosomes they happen to be born with
they should be forced to be a parent
because i don't need your condescending tones
and i was under the impression that the decision to physically
grow and expel another fledgling human being from your body
was, oh, i don't know,
how about we try the words "my choice" out for a try, huh?
so %$@* you, sincerely from the bottom of my heart.
have a good time pushing that on people
or, y'know, don't,
because that's not okay and i hope one day
you wake from a nightmare where people
cannot hear you or see you
for the rest of your life
just to give you a tiny taste of what it feels like
as i sit here smiling prettily
because the red of my lips
makes me feel uncomfortably powerful
and i wonder when my body
simultaneously became a weapon and something i don't own.