She's filled with doubt, and self remorse. And I know for sure she hates herself. She's blind to this entire world, and aimlessly roams- collecting bad karma, feeling alone. She's excited, and agitated. She obsesses and is restless with a useless idea of sex.
And she's inside of me. She thrives in me and hides in me and hurts and divides me.
I spent years growing, never knowing if I were making roots or leaves, burying or soaring, confused on just what it was I was aiming for. And she tore at me, confused me. Filled me with doubt and remorse, directed me off course. She tears at me. Confuses me. Fills me with doubt and fills me with remorse. She pushes me from nirvana, leads me off course.
I feel as though I met her... It was a time of great upheaval, and she took advantage of me, ravaged me. Her hair was smoke, and it burned my eyes. Her gaze was icy, and yet she smoldered. She wore nothing at all, and I couldn't look away. She wouldn't speak to me, but she guided me, and I never stopped to wonder, is she the reason I have always fallen asunder? And I've always asked her. What should I do? How should I be? What happens next? Helplessly following her, as blind as can be.
Now that we've met. Now I can see. I can see everything that she did to me. I've figured it out. I'm smart to her game, and I won't let her play. I hold reason now. I can reason her clear out of my mind, for I am seasoned, and not hopeless. I am strong and devoted. I can act from the goodness of my heart, and expect nothing in return. I can peacefully omit, and peacefully walk away. I have a will, and I am determined. I am composed and serene.
And she's always been me... Maybe that's why she was so hard to see. But my heart is at ease, because I can exist without heeding her word...
I am free.