I am here again, no surprise,
paralyzed with waiting,
waiting for you to call.
I move like a ghost around my room,
doing nothing productive, nothing useful,
for fear in the moment I begin
you'll appear with a ring,
even though I know you won't.
You say I'm not the bottom of your priorities,
but you spend hours talking to her, and not me.
Yes, it is jealousy, sickeningly so,
I hate it, but I can't make it go.
It isn't fair.
In a storm I shout out to a friend,
and he turns and comes running to where I stand.
He holds me in his arms, does not stray until he knows I am okay
regardless of what I say.
I can barely whisper your name.
I blink, and you are gone.
Don't be so shocked,
when you return and a chair where I used to be.
I can't stay a statued spirit for eternity.
I wanted to.
I wanted you.
I wanted a future together more than sanity.
You told me I must change to make you happy,
so I broke in a thousand ways.
Look, I'm different, do you love me today?
What once was whole is reduced to splintered shards of my stupid heart.
They could shred your precious soul so you better not try,
to clean up this mess, just let me cry,
my tears with cleanse this disaster
I'll disguise my wails with laughter.
Tuck your tail between your legs and go,
I won't let anyone know.
But don't you dare look me in the eye and say you love me.
Because the truth hurts and lies are sweet,
and as you lie down beside me,
I feel my insides bleed.
I feel my spirit sleep.
You make me so empty.
You make me so incomplete.
A sentence without meaning.
A heart too scared to beat.
A breath afraid of being anything beyond a wisp of a dream,
fooled into thinking it could be reality.
I really thought we could be something.