feeling like a piece of sh-t at 11 PM

i freaked out.
i don't know if i regret it, and that scares me the most.

oh, god.

my stomach burns,
and i don't know why panic 
clouded my thoughts, 
seeping into my rationality
and imploded like it did

the first time was a mistake - 
the slow drag of the edge of my watch
against the back of my hand
and then a quick yank

and what was left behind
was a red mark, skin reacting
and i hissed in pain and pulled my hand
closer in to my body, not willing to 
accept that i was maybe falling down again.

and then -
and then i lost it. 
like a slipping grip on the reality 
you thought you knew but you didn't
and suddenly the tender flesh of my stomach
was red with blotchy scratches,
skin raised like it was the cat's fault

i can pretend the two on my hip,
the worst ones that well with blood,
are from my pet, that they were accidental
but my torso tells another story
one of pain and panic

i can't go back there.
not to that place,
but this time it is anxiety
and i have no idea how to deal with this.

i will get over it.
i know now that i am strong enough.
but a momentary lapse
has threatened to destroy my resolve.

i am recovering from depression.
i will continue to get better. 

for now, this is a setback. 
mist obscuring the way,
darkness falling early,
nails on the road that pierce my tires.

i can do this.

(just not right now,
with the thrum of pain
roaring in my veins
like overstimulated
adrenaline with blood,
the tangy taste too strong.)

The End

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