feather and bone, Air Queen of nothing

i'm - 
sorry, in a broken way

for not loving you the way you wanted

i don't know what to apologize for
but i know you're mad at me

because you always wanted a little sister
someone who needed you 
you said it yourself
when you thought i wasn't listening

and i learned a long time ago
that i couldn't depend on you

because you would only push me away
and i was young
and so afraid of getting hurt

you were so awfully bright to my child-eyes, 
tall and pretty and loud

"I started trying when you stopped,"
you say, like i never knew

and i did
i always knew

when you would lock yourself in your room
(you know why our mother left our father, 
and no matter how much i beg, 
you still refuse to tell me the reason)
and i would sit outside

a puppy kicked too many times
waiting for its master

spine against cream paint, 
feet on hardwood
i was far too loyal
to a fault

and i will implode
e x p l o d e 
one day

i can't say 
that i don't want you caught in the crossfire
collateral damage

what price am i willing to pay
to make my heart stop hurting

you're leaving, 
after pounding your fists
against the gaping gates of my ribcage, 
yelling why won't you let me in 
while my organs shy away and you, 
in fury and in spite, 
instead tear away at my flesh

i grew up 

while you were away

i talk differently, 
i know, 
and i wear button-ups

and drink tea, 
read books written for
people who have no more time

and i, 
i have no more time. 

there's still a dark place, 
deep in my gut, 
where you hurt sometimes, 
ache in this profound way
i can never transfer into words 

when the cat bites and scratches, 
i don't register the pain anymore
(i don't wonder if you notice)
and bandages have ceased to have meaning

my body is battered, 
and nobody can heal
all of the colored bruises
welting my skin

like a first kiss
or burning paper

i'm sorry i push you away

but i feel like shadows, 
slipping out of sight, 
i am afraid that you
are not helping me at all. 

you tease and poke and prod, 
taunting my soft belly, 
and i curve away, 
because god knows
the last thing i need
is another knock to my self-esteem

and i was never anything special
but for the first time, 
i can admit that you weren't, either. 

The End

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