The monster I love... The angel I hate... But I fear them both.
I sat alone, though not alone,
And faced the steel.
I put up walls one by one
As anticipation of pleasurable pain began to creep.
It crept like the flow of blood.
The blood like soothing balm
That washes easeful as it trickles and pools,
And carries deeply settled pain from my heart.
But the deeper that I etch each line,
Telling my story in an array of forgotten and replaced scars,
Is the deeper that I press it inside,
Buried underneath a stressed stone surface.
The monster laughs in happy terror
As it helps to slowly pull me apart.
It knows it is my only friend,
And loves how I let it tear through my heart.
My heart is raw,
Or else cold and dead.
If I look too far I'm consumed with fear,
But for sure my soul is ravaged.
I live in self denial,
Ruled by hate and fear this way.
My pride will make me shield my eyes
When the light of love shines in my face.
In the dark I cannot see the switch,
But I do know the way there.
What a suffocating influence this monster is.
To feel love is to feel anger and fear.
But if I slay the monster,
I couldn't use this bloodstained blade of mine.
I'd have to use the Sword of Truth
That Salvation thrusts into my side.
I keep searching and searching in all the wrong places.
I cut pieces of my true self away.
But to let pure love fill in the many spaces,
Will renew with the Water of Life what has become decayed.
The monster is strong and I am weak,
Yet with my breastplate I beat it again to its home in the ground.
Because this new hope for strength was not in me,
But in the sacrificial love I found.