I remember the time when
you put your arm around my shoulder and said
"You and him aren't forever, but WE are."
I felt so lucky.
Our relationship was never easy,
muddied with my love for your love,
my raging floods of tears,
our wounds inflicted, our grudges and forgiveness,
through it all I always admire you.
But I'm beginning to realize now
a truth I knew but did not want to believe
as it seems thread by thread your ties with me
I keep tossing ropes, hoping,
hoping somehow I'll catch you
and show you I am good.
I am strong,
I am proud,
I am a mature adult.
Though honestly, I'm not.
I'm hurting and growing and learning and discovering,
and trapped in this tangled web, you have become.
I never wanted to lose you.
I love you.
You are my friend, and so much more.
There is not enough time in the world
to tell you all the gratitude you deserve.
But, I understand.
I understand if you can't be the support for me
you were, for it goes against what you believe.
I understand if our friendship only exists
between my writing poetry, and you reading it.
I hope wherever you are in the world tonight,
you read these words, my best try.
I love you, sweet friend of mine,
caught in a break-up, you were intertwined
to both me and my lover, though your loyalty lies with him.
I, broken, searching for someone to lean on,
to talk to,
struggle in being real with you,
for fear I'll offend and breech some silence,
for fear I'll cross a line, when all I wanted was guidance.
I've been testing the water to see if I could swim,
without consulting whether I belonged in it.
I often ponder if when you said WE
you didn't mean me.