I have felt many things,
just as I have thought many things.
I have written them down
as if they are wisps of wind
meant to be blown away
like the leaves on the ground
in Autumn.
I feel the death of love
weighing down on me
like an anvil on the ropes.
I feel the wilting flowers
at the end of October
like the crushing depression
constantly by my side.
This is not the way I want to feel,
and this is not the way I want to think.
I thought that maybe I was okay,
but I've started thinking about her again
and the feeling of missing her
is suffocating me all over again.
I wish that I could drown it all away
just like I used to,
but I promised that I wouldn't.
Even if I did
I would disappear
and I don't think
I do that.
I couldn't just hole myself up
and disappear
because I'd say something stupid
that I wouldn't be able to fix.
I am letting myself suffocate
in the way that these things feel.
Drowning in the waters of anger,
grief, and loss.
I am lost in a dark, dark forest
full of many things,
many people,
that I do not wish to see.
I know that I can find my way out,
but it's time to stay lost for awhile.
I will breathe and swim,
and I will be out again,
but for now
I need to sink.
And the worst part of it is
that I will let myself.
I do not want to feel any of this
I don't want to think these things
I wish that they would go away.

The End

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