How one party can wreak havoc
A familiar shared kiss on the wooden staircase
Swaying, and spinning from the plastic cupped drink
Something known, a 'safe and secure base'
When I forget to be me, or how clearly to think.
Next pulled somewhere outside, freezing, much colder
Not innocent, sweet, desirable or naive, knew he'd try
He's not hesitant,didn't think he'd be, he's much older
Well versed with the sigh, the chase, the lie.
"Tonight it's just been you"
"Your the only one I want"
"Why won't you believe things that are true?"
He says as he leans in, nonchalant.
Like a current modern day, ruined, tatty, tired sonnet
He whispers harsh, as he claws mud through my hair
Lifts my legs, pushes me against a car bonnet.
Tell him, twice...and again.... how this isn't fair
Pushing his lips too far into mine
I realise how easily I let him lift me and spoil me
How it took him really no time
To see what i was and ignore my weak hearted plea.
Next, kisses in the dark with his younger brother
Head spinning as I teach him I'm cheap
You'd think i'd learnt, but it takes another
To show me I've gotten in too deep.
So In the morning I strip my skin
Leave it to fester on the floor
Bang my head to forget where I've been
slap my face to wake up as I walk out the door.
But I'm still muddy, in my bones
As I pass by others lying in lesser regret
Among, vomit, sleeping bags and lost phones
I pray that somehow they'll forget.
Each handprint is engraved into my face
Each pathetic struggle remains in that house
Left myself, broken and dead inside that place
Silent and speechless as a forgotten yet still present mouse.
I made another mistake love,
Because it was so easy to do,
It only took a night to dispose of
The 'Me' that was worthy of you.
Yet, this is what I do because I'm used and cheap
This is what I do because love, I can't keep
When it comes to being weak it's just too steep
Better to pretend to believe in something untruthfully deep.
I walked home from the grave
With weeds in my hair, dirt between my toes
Crying no tears for no one can save
A girl whose enjoying it and already knows,
She's not meant to fit, be vulnerable or belong
She's not meant to be beautiful, or sane in the head
She's programmed to be hard, harsh and strong
Because after all...the girl we mean is already dead.