i want to erase myself and start anew.
color myself a blank canvas
and this time douse myself in colors brighter than the last ones
because the last ones weren't enough to keep the peeling edges out of sight
the waterstains and creeping shadows away from prying eyes and social awkwardness
i want to make myself flat and small and unobtrusive,
stop whining to other people and ruining their day because i can't get my sh*t together
i want to be able to tell an adult that i want to kill myself
i want to be able to tell them without them running off to tell my parents
and i want to stop forgetting that i'm just another kid and she doesn't love me.
she has a kid, i'm just the collateral that came with my mother.
she loves my mother and not me
i'm not her kid
i've just got to swallow that
and dad keeps dating and we all know the tone of voice
that means he's not really over mom
but he did something Bad capital b
and mom won't tell me doesn't want to but it must have been Bad
and i wonder if i would love him less because the thing is i don't love my mother.
i am her broken kid
the one who acts like those plastic toys you get in pouches at restaurants
you wind me up and i spin and spin and spin but never move
i am broken and my feet never move
you can just hear the whirring sound as something inside me tries to go go go
but nothing works and everything stays shut down and it's okay.
it's okay it's okay i wasn't planning on living this long in the first place
they pulled [mc] out for suicide watch but they'd probably just throw me in the hospital
guess they're tired of trying to fix their unfixable kids
didn't anyone ever tell you the word suicide means death
and you're not supposed to associate death with freedom and plan b
because maybe this is the way to solve it but i don't want to hurt any longer.
everything aches enough as it it
i don't think my father would be able to take it
had i -