It still hurts
and I feel like
I don’t know
It’s been
six months
you hurt me.
it just wells back up
like destruction
on the edge of havoc
all over my veins
and all over my heart,
little pieces
strewn across my world
aching to be found
and put back together again
and that feels
so cliché
and disgustingly meant
for the silver screens
there is no part of me
to put myself
back together again
oh god
I need someone
to fix me
and rescue me
from whatever tower
I’ve built for myself
like I’m some
missing fucking princess
too precious
too weak
too little
too much
and everything in-between
I’ve got to rely
on someone else
I’m too broken
these days
I’m too terrified
of what the future holds
that I’m so desperate
to insure
for myself
something true
something honest
something that is nothing
like every dream
every nightmare
that I’ve ever had
that I’ll turn out
the same
and that I will be
some monster
dark on the world
and bent on hatred
and anger
and desire
to inflict
the very same
horrifying pain
I went through
that kind of terror
should never be instilled
on anyone
and who am I
to decide
who deserves
that kind of hell
when I’m so
god damn intent
on this magical future
this insurance
that I will be different
that we will be different
that everything
will be perfect
and who the fuck
is to say
that’s true
at all
who can tell me
what really lies ahead
of course
I have to make those choices
of course
that’s all up to me
and the path
lying up ahead
a fucking cobra
sinking into my veins
teeth on every turn
and it should be so
and it isn’t
like every day
I meet these people
these people
that are everything
and more
they’re all I’ve got left
in a world
where it’s
that I’ll be different
yet sprung
onto my bones
that I have to be this
and that
and these days
it’s all I can take
to pretend
that I will be
anything else
when I feel like
I’m failing
and falling
and desperately
clinging onto the edge
of this cliff
with nothing down below
but the jagged truth
of something
I ache to be
and ache to belong
and ache to be
someone else.
It’s never
that easy
and maybe
that’s just what it takes
to find
what you need.
Maybe someday
I’ll have it
figured out.

The End

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