Awkward Adolescent Love PoemMature

"As Dr. Phil says, a friend is not someone who asks you to stick his penis in your mouth."

Hey you—

Remember that one night on Facebook chat
When I sent you that poem
About how much I wanted to cut open my wrists?

I read somewhere that simply placing
The hands so that the palms are facing
Upwards for upwards of fifteen seconds
Sparks a physiological reaction
That makes you feel at peace,
Which is why I wonder
What dripping wrists do for the soul
And the hormones 
That you know all about.

Like the way my heart beat harder
When you were sitting on the round classroom table 
Next to me.

Um.
I'm a little embarrassed that I grew feelings for you,
After I told you I was over that stupid little crush;
Maybe that's why the sex didn't quite click,
During which all I could think about after years of
Running hypothetical scenarios
Is the weird sound my little wooden earring made
As it scratched back and fourth across the desk
In time with both our bodies.

And I know that things are really complicated,
As they always are,
And I'm not going to sit here in heartbreak or
Turn into that helpless anti-heroine
Shooting up on some imaginary image of a boy
And a love story made for a movie.

No, it was much different
When, during the Rocky Horror Picture Show
You seduced me again with little methodical touches,
We were back where we started
Like in the hot bathroom by the tennis courts
On the deserted campus
We once roamed in high school.

Then too, I suppose
I sort of followed you around with a giddy, awkward smile
And you told me you'd known about my little crush for years.

Let me articulate this in the clearest way that
the heart still stuck in high school can:
I like you, but I don't like-like you,
because I love you.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

It's just that you were the only person
In my life
Who was consistently nice to me
For two whole years.

And as a fucked up kid with Mommy issues
And Daddy issues
And intimacy issues
And way too many urges to sell her body for a little love
For you to just be there
Meant everything.

I meant to say it that last time,
I really did(!),
Before the movie,
Before I showed you the little tricks I learned,
Before I waited on my knees for your approval.

You thought it was just sex.
I wish it were just sex 
Because if it were, I'd be so down,
Going down,
Sinking down.
Sorry,
I didn't mean to fall,
And the worst part is,
I haven't reached bottom
yet.

The End

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