"and we can whisper things, secrets from our american dreams"

- family of the year

"ghosts" by pvris is my mood right now to be completely honest, and the lyrics fit like they've been tailored to the soot sticking to the carved sharps of my shoulder blades

and you're there, 
your back an even weight against the pillow we share

and rationally, 
i know you're not. 

i know you're a million miles away, 
typing on the keyboard in staccato rhythms, 
your chat slang familiar to me 

like the weights of my palms against my thighs, 
open in vulnerable prayer to a god i don't believe in, 
i know the way you speak like the bend and ache and grind of my joints

but i swear to god i can feel you, 
your limbs all shifted and folded up against mine, 
cold toes pressed into the arches of my feet 
a bid to get warm 

as you squirm your icy fingers underneath my sweater
to lay flat against the thin fabric of my tee 
and seek warmth to steal from me

and i just smile 

and you just laugh

but you're not here, 
you're not here like the memory i can recall in picture-perfect stillness, 
a caricature of when we cared

and your breathing is quiet and measured, 
this i know from the skype window open, 
the ridge of your chin, cool expanse of neck, 
and chest rising and subsiding like the tide 
just in view

you're quiet, 
the light in your windows soon to be visible streaming in broken rays
because it's early in the morning for you 
and late at night for me

the time difference is palpable
and i just want to sleep but i can't 

so you whisper, 
like a secret or maybe an insult, 

please don't die 
please stop hurting yourself 

and then, 
so soft it might as well be a breath, 
words that sting into the skin above my hips, 
i don't hate you for this. 

and i want to sob, 
the way you stand above my bed at night 
and ask for me to live, 
just a small little question, 

a life in exchange for friendship 

you curl your hands around the locket you wear around your neck, 
long chunky chain and tiny fold-out places for pictures

i know there's one of me 
hair curling in stubborn locks around my ears, 
mid-laugh, mouth wide open in delight, 
eyes bright with happiness and delirious glee 

there's too much exposure, 
the place where my neck meets my shirt fading to white, 
the top of my head gone to the clouds

and you rarely wear it but i know you do when you're sad

darling, 
i love you. 

and i would do anything
save stay alive or stay healthy
for you to be happy. 

i just want you to be happy

The End

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