and vega in ice and air and the vastness of space will one day be our northern star in reluctant acquiescence

polaris 

i am your northern star
not the brightest in the sky but pretty damn close
if you could only see me in mid-afternoon sunlight
when i have my face tucked into the soft fabric of your jeans over your thigh 
sprawled across your lap only because you'll let me 

and i say
to nobody but myself 
i was beautiful once 

and it's true
when i was faker and younger and had a mouthful of red paint 
i had been beautiful 

once, 
in shorts that made my legs look great 
and a button-up snug around my throat 
hair newly cut and slanting towards my neck 
i had felt genuinely cute 

like i could be attractive if only i tried

and god knows i'm a tired, awkward teenager 
with not enough time to wash their face in the morning 
and a stomach soft and doughy 
but once, 

oh once i was beautiful 
and you believed me 

and did you know 
that the northern star has changed 

used to be thuban, 
but nobody cared

i am your polaris

and one day i'll change 
let the title of northern star slip from my fingers 
and damn but sailors will never follow me home again

you broke your compass so long ago and have just been following me since
did you never wonder if i led you astray 
or did you just know the amount of blind faith i place in you

because once 
once i was beautiful 
and nobody can ever take that from me 

looking at me you'd never know 
but when i die i will take it to my grave 
hold it stained in the coldness of my useless heart

and it will say 
that i lived my entire life and never liked myself 
but once 

once i was beautiful. 

The End

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