"No! I want to be alone!" I shouted in my head,
As my sister opened the door, letting herself in,
I wished for a razor, I wished for her to leave, I wished I were dead.
Eyes wet from tears, body curled in, pooled onto my bed.
I hid my face,
Behind a few things,
But the attempt was worthless.
Red nose, red eyes,
And still carrying a shuddering breath, trying to let out my sadness.
Now, I run,
Into the sweet night,
Searching for any sign of the moon, and finding none.
Stopping, in the shadows of trees,
I look up at the stars,
Thinking to myself,
That I was alone in the world.
But that's just not true.
If I were all alone in the world,
I would not be standing right then and there.
People are what drags me down,
Making me wish I would never breathe in the night air.
Making wish I never spoke, never talked, never made a little sound.
Never moved, never did one little thing.
Making me wish I were nothing, so I'd never feel this pain.
To run, again.
My shadow always a step ahead.
It's a sad night, when you let your shadow win the race without a fight.
But you're not upset about that, because you feel so down, and sad.
Echoes of another's laughter in the park,
I peek around from behind a house,
How can you be close to someone, and yet never feel so far apart?
We live different lives, different times, different days and nights.
I'm not alone. . .
I still feel as if no one is ever really there.
Taking off, in another brief moment of speed,
Running by houses, cars, and trees,
Different homes, filled with people, sleeping, in peace.
I run my anger away,
Stomping it down on the road,
It satisfies me mildly, in a similar way of a razor,
Taking it out on my body,
This mental pain and agony.
I return home, somewhat subdued.
My porch is enveloped in darkness,
Because no one turned on the light.
I sit on the swing, blending in with the night,
Swaying back and forth,
And yet so still.
A cat jumps onto the fence of the porch,
Curling it's tail around it's body.
My feet tucked in,
I thought of the sweet cool night.
Cars drive by, at a speed that reminded me,
Of the death of my dog.
Depressing thoughts, tonight,
I think to myself. There must not be a god.
For if there was, why would it be so cruel?
Feeling an urge to move, I throw my legs down from the swing,
The cat sauntered my way, ears up, finding this exciting.
I suppose it wondered if I were alive,
Since I was as still as death, showing no signs of life.
Or, for that matter, any wish to be revived.
Petting it's small head,
It rubbed against my hand.
Is my little kitty dead?
I ask him silently.
My cat, my pet, your friend?
Of course the cat did not answer.
I walked down my steps,
Leaving the cat mid purr.
Another car drove by, driving into a lot,
Hiding in a shadow of a tree,
I am paid no heed.
I'm like a cat,
Why was it, my instinct is to hide?
To shy away from one, and yet want to have attention?
I can hiss, and scratch,
So long as none see me, for me.
To be seen as the truly broken girl I am.
That is why,