to the Redhead Hurricane.

guess who has an even smaller sense of self-worth than normal?

i had a chance and i wasted it.

i don't need you to tell me that
i can recognize it myself

but i was drowning.
yes, now i'm depressed,
but at least my throat is 
clogged with anxiety,
not water tinted with the 
metallic taste of blood

actually, on that topic,
blood doesn't taste like metal.
it tastes like failure and fear
- it tastes like that last
buttery scone you choked down
because she looked so damn hopeful

but my point is,
i made a decision.
and now my blood runs
my head twists on 
and everything is wrong.

i have no community, now.
i used to - 
i knew everyone's names,
their siblings,
their pets,
their parents.

hell, i'd seen one of them
crying or being stupid
at one time or another. 

but don't you see?

i couldn't stay.

you act like it was a decision,
and maybe it was, 
but i cannot find a way to tell you

that i'm depressed.
you were the first person
that i ever came out of the closet to,
and i will never forget that, 
but i only want you to be
weighted down with normal student problems

- not my mental health
(or, rather, lack of it)
not my family issues,
not the fact that i seem to 
be running with scissors
every chance i get.

god, i miss you.

i miss you with an ache 
in my chest - like i've come back 
from a surgery, and they've
removed something within me.


i couldn't, my friend.
i hope you know that 
you were the only reason
i ever-

i cannot finish that sentence.


to the Redhead Hurricane -
you were the only one
i could ever be myself around
and i know, to you, that means nothing.

but, unfairly enough (to you),
i was drowning.
yet you were always my lifesaver. 

The End

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