a voice that feels like dying and a gender like sin

and lost dreams of all the things i want to be won't help me 

i want to start testosterone, 
not now not soon 
in the future 

i want to get a binder cut my hair 
do all the things i am terrified of

because the world works on fear
and i function off of pain

and i am so afraid of femininity 
that i crave masculinity 

some type of validation i force upon myself 
to be a boy, to be a boy, to be a boy

i dream 
a lot

i dream and in those dreams i have a flat chest
and sometimes, sometimes i have scars on my chest from surgery 

and my body is straight and lacks the soft curves that i possess 

my gender is fragile and so am i 
it does not fit me and i ache in my skin 

and i, i do not know how to make this any better. 

The End

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