If you were here, I would tell you

sorry

because I am.

a thousand times sorry.

I'm sorry for the tears and the silences

it's not because I'm shunning you

it's because I ran out of words

running from myself.

I had moments when I was happy

I was so happy

so clean and pure and innocent

it was like

air

in a city of pollution

sunshine in a thunder storm

but these moments faded

because I'm depressed

and if I'm not depressed, then I must be faking it

right?

I don't want a stranger to nod sympathetically and hand me tissues as I weep

I want you.

I want you to listen to me

because I'm breaking into a million little pieces

and you could save me

but instead you are watching me fall

and telling me

I should have brought a parachute.

I'm sorry.

If you were here, I would tell you

I loved you

it wasn't a mask, I was really trying

you have no idea how your words sting

trying and failing

you're so right

and now I'm flailing 

but I won't reach for you this time

you go, and tell yourself I'm fine

as I turn round and round on a dime

sink into sublime

nothingness.

Nothing could ever break me apart

rip me up like a paper heart

than me

but you sure helped it along.

Nothing will ever be

as sweetly toxic as you.

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