I wake up exhausted.
It doesn't really matter how long I lie in this bed.
The result is always the same.
Nothing is different.
This is living.
This is what it is.
The same thing on a different day.
I'm trying to remember how long it has been this awful.
Not long surely...
I can't remember when I have not felt this agonizing despair.
How long has it truly been since I was able to open my eyes at the beginning of a day and not be furious at myself for staying alive?
Long enough for this to begin to eat away at my spirit.
I wonder if there is something more than this..
Many fear the unknown.
They don't want to die.
But I am curious..
To feel to cool blade against my skin
To hear the gentle whisper of a bullet as it leaves the chamber
To taste the crimson fluid that runs throughout my body.
It would be so....easy.
Yes, that's it.
Human beings are so unimaginably frail and vulnerable.
So simple a solution to an unbearable problem..
You're looked down upon for such thoughts.
" Tsk. Suicide. how selfish.."
Such a dangerous sounding word..
But I relish the way it dances on my tongue before leaving my lips.
Always whispered of course..
By myself in the safety of a room with the curtains drawn.
Maybe it is cowardly to do so.
Maybe it's just as they say it is.
Maybe it isn't.
It is in human nature to fear what we don't understand.
We do not understand death.
No one has ever lived to tell the tale.
We fill our lives with something as hollow and pointless as religion or romance to comfort ourselves.
Maybe I am courageous.
Maybe I am an explorer of sorts.
Death is but the end of one adventure...
and the beginning of something entirely foreign.
Good? Bad? Extraordinary?
Who is to say?
But why should I wait until I am too aged and too frail to explore the world beyond?
Just put the noose around your neck and...