i dont know how to exist without you. i held you together and you held me together but then you left and i dont know why and you have new people now and i dont know why you left. please just tell me what i did wrong. please. please, cc. just talk to me.
and i know
that you never really liked me anyways
but a broken heart hurts nevertheless
Constellation Cold, i know i'll never say it out loud,
i miss you.
there's an empty place inside of me
that aches, aches so much
and every time i see you on social media
i try to convince myself to close the tab
and i never do
(i'll never admit that i just want to know that you're okay)
and i mean,
i don't know.
i just don't know
and some part of me
wants you to not be okay
because i'm not okay
and i don't understand why you're fine without me
when i'm not.
it feels like i've lost half of myself
and you, you have always been such a large part of my life
looming over my heart
you used to roll over the wrong way sometimes
and crushed my heart a little every time you got angry at me
and i don't know how i'm supposed to do this without you
the only reason i stopped self-harming,
actually got myself on the track to recovery,
is because of you.
because you made me want to be better.
and i know,
i know you don't care
not anymore, at least.
but i'm sorry, okay?
i'm sorry i can't fix your problems
i've tried, i've really tried
but i'm not omnipotent, i can't just reach in and magically make everything alright
and i've tried so hard to understand all the bits of yourself
that you always seem convinced i'm not trying to see
you were supposed to be my safe place.
i was yours, after all
and i know i'm not-
i know i'm not anything special.
i'm annoying and damaged
but i thought, just for a moment,
that you actually liked me.
and something in me stopped.
like a ticking clock, some of the self-loathing
halted, didn't spill over as much
but now i realize you never really liked me much at all.
and you've got other people
but i don't.
i just have rh.
rh, who cannot know,
she cannot know,
that some days i want to take a knife or my nails to my skin
she cannot know
but i can't do this alone.
i've spent a lot of my life alone, Constellation Cold.
i'm not afraid of the darkness
i'm just afraid of myself
and you didn't miss me at all.
you just had fun without me
you made new friends
and i wouldn't care
if you didn't cut me out
and i'll never tell you any of this.
you told me your phone was broken.
you told me you couldn't respond to any of my messages
(not even the one wishing you happy birthday)
because your phone was broken.
then you posted a screenshot of a chat with your friend.
from your phone.
your not-broken phone.
i'm tired, i just-
i don't understand why you don't talk to me anymore
why you don't like me anymore
why you didn't seem to like me in the first place
and i don't know how to deal with this
i've never been good with a broken heart
i can't do this without you.
and i know i'll say i'm fine
and i'll let you live your life because you don't deserve someone like me
someone too broken too damaged too soft in all the wrong places
and i will never let myself talk to you the same way again
where you can't see me,
i'll tell you something.
while i lie in bed crying
my eyes red-rimmed
something painful in my chest
wrapping my arms around myself like i can protect myself from you
from your capability to break my heart
and leave me like this
three words and a handful of tears and lost love:
i miss you.