a broken heart and Constellation Cold. god, i never realized you could actually be this cold. please come back. i know you won't. please come back to me

i dont know how to exist without you. i held you together and you held me together but then you left and i dont know why and you have new people now and i dont know why you left. please just tell me what i did wrong. please. please, cc. just talk to me.

and i know
that you never really liked me anyways

but a broken heart hurts nevertheless 
Constellation Cold, i know i'll never say it out loud, 
but goddamn, 

i miss you. 

there's an empty place inside of me 
that aches, aches so much 
and every time i see you on social media 
i try to convince myself to close the tab 

and i never do 

(i'll never admit that i just want to know that you're okay)

and i mean, 
i don't know. 

i just don't know

and some part of me 
wants you to not be okay 
because i'm not okay 
and i don't understand why you're fine without me

when i'm not.

it feels like i've lost half of myself 
and you, you have always been such a large part of my life 
looming over my heart 
you used to roll over the wrong way sometimes 
and crushed my heart a little every time you got angry at me

and i don't know how i'm supposed to do this without you

the only reason i stopped self-harming, 
actually got myself on the track to recovery, 
is because of you.

because you made me want to be better. 

and i know, 
i know you don't care 

not anymore, at least.

but i'm sorry, okay?
i'm sorry i can't fix your problems 
i've tried, i've really tried 
but i'm not omnipotent, i can't just reach in and magically make everything alright 
and i've tried so hard to understand all the bits of yourself 
that you always seem convinced i'm not trying to see 

you were supposed to be my safe place. 
i was yours, after all

and i know i'm not-

i know i'm not anything special.

i'm annoying and damaged 
but i thought, just for a moment, 
that you actually liked me.

and something in me stopped.

like a ticking clock, some of the self-loathing 
halted, didn't spill over as much 

but now i realize you never really liked me much at all. 

and you've got other people 
other friends 

but i don't. 
i just have rh. 

rh, who cannot know, 
she cannot know, 
that some days i want to take a knife or my nails to my skin 
she cannot know
please, please

but i can't do this alone. 

i've spent a lot of my life alone, Constellation Cold. 

i'm not afraid of the darkness
i'm just afraid of myself 

and you didn't miss me at all. 
you just had fun without me 
you made new friends 
and i wouldn't care 
if you didn't cut me out 

and i'll never tell you any of this. 

you told me your phone was broken. 
you told me you couldn't respond to any of my messages
(not even the one wishing you happy birthday)
because your phone was broken.

then you posted a screenshot of a chat with your friend.

from your phone.

your not-broken phone.

i'm tired, i just- 
i'm tired. 

i don't understand why you don't talk to me anymore 
why you don't like me anymore 
why you didn't seem to like me in the first place 
and i don't know how to deal with this 

i've never been good with a broken heart 

i can't do this without you. 

and i know i'll say i'm fine 
and i'll let you live your life because you don't deserve someone like me 
someone too broken too damaged too soft in all the wrong places 
and i will never let myself talk to you the same way again

just once, 
where you can't see me, 
i'll tell you something. 

while i lie in bed crying 
my eyes red-rimmed 
something painful in my chest 
wrapping my arms around myself like i can protect myself from you 
from your capability to break my heart 
and leave me like this 

Constellation Cold,
three words and a handful of tears and lost love:

i miss you. 

The End

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