02-26-2014 2:20pmMature

Yesterday I went to return your things to you.

I smiled and pretended that I didn't want to shoot myself because you looked so wonderful.

I gathered my things from your bedroom.

Pretending that I was not going to cry and that I was happy with what was happening. 

We spent 2 hours in traffic together yesterday. 

Your feet were on my dash and I wanted you to touch my leg like you used to. I wanted that so badly.

I did nothing but listen to the angsty music you hated. That's who  I am again.

We went to get food because neither of us had eaten in the last two days. 

You kept staring at me and I told you to stop because I wanted nothing more than to kiss your face one last time.

You said something about our relationship and I was about to cry so I said I was done with my food and left. 

I drove you back to your house so that I could go home.

You asked if we could have sex one last time.

As stupid as I could ever be, I gave it up again. I went for it.

Warning you that I would cry the entire time, I did. 

Telling you that once it was over that I would regret it, I did.

At the end of our last climactic adventure together you were still on top of me and I cried.

Hyperventilating and crying, all I could do was express to you how much I hated you.

"I hate you. I hate you so fucking much." 

You kept kissing my forehead telling me that everything would be okay, and that I'd be okay.

I've never felt so not okay.

I remember everything. I repeated everything that I remembered about our relationship to you in the dark after we finished. 

I could hear that you were crying but I continued because I wanted to prove to you what you lost. 

You told me that you stopped loving me over two months ago...

I don't think my heart has ever hurt so much. I've never hurt so much. 

I never thought I could hate you, but now that I know you stopped loving me when you lied and said you were happy, that's going to make me hate you for a long time. 

I'm losing interest in you, but I know that no one will touch me like you touched me.

But now I can't get over the fact that I keep thinking whether you loved me or not at any point.. 

I guess stuff happens for a reason... 

The End

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