Yesterday I went to return your things to you.
I smiled and pretended that I didn't want to shoot myself because you looked so wonderful.
I gathered my things from your bedroom.
Pretending that I was not going to cry and that I was happy with what was happening.
We spent 2 hours in traffic together yesterday.
Your feet were on my dash and I wanted you to touch my leg like you used to. I wanted that so badly.
I did nothing but listen to the angsty music you hated. That's who I am again.
We went to get food because neither of us had eaten in the last two days.
You kept staring at me and I told you to stop because I wanted nothing more than to kiss your face one last time.
You said something about our relationship and I was about to cry so I said I was done with my food and left.
I drove you back to your house so that I could go home.
You asked if we could have sex one last time.
As stupid as I could ever be, I gave it up again. I went for it.
Warning you that I would cry the entire time, I did.
Telling you that once it was over that I would regret it, I did.
At the end of our last climactic adventure together you were still on top of me and I cried.
Hyperventilating and crying, all I could do was express to you how much I hated you.
"I hate you. I hate you so fucking much."
You kept kissing my forehead telling me that everything would be okay, and that I'd be okay.
I've never felt so not okay.
I remember everything. I repeated everything that I remembered about our relationship to you in the dark after we finished.
I could hear that you were crying but I continued because I wanted to prove to you what you lost.
You told me that you stopped loving me over two months ago...
I don't think my heart has ever hurt so much. I've never hurt so much.
I never thought I could hate you, but now that I know you stopped loving me when you lied and said you were happy, that's going to make me hate you for a long time.
I'm losing interest in you, but I know that no one will touch me like you touched me.
But now I can't get over the fact that I keep thinking whether you loved me or not at any point..
I guess stuff happens for a reason...