I didn’t manage to sleep that night. My mind managed to torment me endlessly with flash backs of what had happened and of Luca killing people.
I got up from sitting by the window and pulled a seat up next to Luca. Holding his hand I watched has his chest rose and fell, taking comfort in the fact that at least he was still breathing. His eyes were moving under his lids, I almost wish I knew what was going on inside his head but If he ever woke up I knew he would never tell me. He was so damn secretive it drove me up the wall, How was I supposed to know what to say or do not too upset or anger him. I sighed and rested my head against his arm trying to seek comfort in his warmth, but it wasn’t the same when he wasn’t holding me back.
I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up Luca had gone. I looked around to see him standing by the window, “Luca?” he looked round at me but his face was blank and had no recognition. “Luca? It’s me, Sophia,” I repeated, slightly confused. Gradually his expression changed and I pulled him towards me for a hug, being careful of his arm. “don’t scare me like that again,”
“why the fuck did you ignore me?” he said slightly angrily.
“you’d killed people,” I said, unsure of how he didn’t understand.
“...so?” he still didn’t seem to grasp how what he’d done effected me.
I could feel my expression turn to one of disbelief as I realised that he really didn’t care about those people. I stepped back, angry and upset. “they were living people. We don’t just go round killing people Luca. That’s not how it works.” He stared back at me blankly and remained silent.
I sighed, my mind clouded with a mix of emotions. On the one hand I was overjoyed with the fact that he was alive and relatively ok, but on the other I was so angry with him for what he’d done, He’d just killed relatively innocent people and had no second thoughts about it. “i just don’t know what to think right now.”
“I did tell you I had a fucked up past. Killing people is something that comes pretty easy to me, so you’re just gonna have to get your head around that one,”
I sat down unable to keep myself from shaking, half with anger and half with fear. “just tell me what’s going on with you. Who’s Rayn? Why did you think I was your Mum?”
He blatantly blanked the question and tried to change the subject, “how long was I out?”
I wasn’t going to let it slide that easy, not this time. “you’re not getting away with this one, answer the fucking question,”
He scowled at my outburst, not that I really cared this time. I really didn’t have the patience and to be honest after last night, seeing him kill people I felt I deserved a fucking explanation. “Rayn’s a friend.”
“from the states?”
He nodded, “I’ve known him since we were four.” The way he spoke made it seem like he thought Rayn was still alive. I wasn’t about to ruin he beliefs.
“And what about your mum? Why did you think I was her?”
He shrugged, “how should I know?”
“It... It was when I hit you,” I wasn’t particularly proud of that, “Trying to keep you awake,”
He frowned ever so slightly as if upset by the fact that I’d hit him.
I stepped closer to him, trying to remind him that I cared, and that I needed to know so I knew how to react when he did things. “If you don’t tell me anything then how am I supposed to be able to deal?"
"What difference does it make if I thought you were someone else when I was half dead?"
"Luca I know nothing abotu your past, where as you know a fair bit about mine. Without knowing how do you expect me to react when you tell me killing is practically second nature to you?"
He scowled, as if what I was saying was in some way unreasonable. "I told you I was in the drug business, didn't I? Wasn't that enough of a clue?"
I began to get angry, didn't he understand? "yyou know I dont mean that Luca. What about your family? Your childhood? I worked on so many people after the virus broke out, I can tell that most of those scars are to old just to be from when it broke out."
"so my family life wasn't all that. I don't get why it means so much to you,"
"because it feels like you don't trust me, for fucks sake Luca. I don't know what to do anymore." I sttod back up and took his had, pulling him closer, trying to take some comfort in his warmth. "I love you Luca. I care about you. But half the time I don't know if you give a damn about me or if you're just sticking around because it's convenient, and it's killing me,"
"I do care about you, I just have fucked up issues with life. It's not your fault,"
I was scared to ask the one question that was plaguing my mind but I knew I had to eventually, "but do you trust me?"
His hesitation said it all and I knew what he was going to say even before he said it, "I don't know,"
I stepped back and dropped his hand, feeling my heart sink. I looked away from him, unable to face it anymore. "Fine. I need some sleep, let me know if you work it out." I grabbed a blanket off a seat next to me and went over to the other side of the room, finding a spot next to Scott. It was petty but I hoped it would wind Luca up a bit. I curled up and pretended to go to sleep. There was no way I'd actually manage it though.